First time posting, I apologize if my flair is mismarked.

Not really sure how to word this but here it goes.

I was molested by a friend when I was younger. I had just moved from Nevada to New York and didn't know very many people. My immediate next door neighbors intimidated the shit out of me and would occasionally be mean to me. Another friend who was a girl lived 4 houses down from me. She showed me her dad's porn one day and next thing I remember she's telling that if we didn't have sex, she would tell our friends that I wouldn't and to not be my friend anymore and probably a few other things that held control over my head. Being the new kid on the block and the extremely shy and reserved little boy I was, I gave in.

I was scared, so fucking scared. I had no idea what "sex" was. I was very confused and had no one to talk to. I had no idea what the white stuff was that came out of the guys penis and was very concerned it would come out of mine. Being 10 and not knowing much, that was another rational fear on top of everything else. That fear and confusion lasted until I was 14.

I buried those memories until a recent lsd trip for my 30th birthday. It was horrible but extremely eye opening. My wife was there the entire time and made the house very comfortable and stayed up with me until 4 am. She was very much an important part of that realization, as she gave me the safe space to talk about it.

Since then I've been more understanding and forgiving of my sexual desires and preferences. I haven't seen a therapist since then to help me unpack those 4 years.

My biggest question is, did the sexual assault at that young age define my sexual wants, desires, etc. Is this common in sexual assault victims? Kind of at a cross roads in life.