A long time ago I went on my very first date with a guy from a dating app. He said he was looking for the Daisy to his Gatsby and wanted to go to an ivy league school. My dorky self was very impressed. I wore a black and white romper with black boots. We had played twenty questions, I never kissed a guy before. But I lied and said I had kissed boys at summer camp. I wanted to impress him and for him to like me. When we met up at the park we cuddled under a tree and watched the office, like we talked about. He matched his photos and was well spoken. But what I was not expecting him to do was pull my romper aside and roughly finger me without asking. He said confusing things to me, at the time. Like "these pink panties are so cute, did you wear them just for me?" And I did but I didn't. I have always liked dressing cute, I majored in fashion merchandising. I just froze. I didn't say anything while he penetrated me. It made me so uncomfortable and mortified. I told my therapists later I felt like such an object. Being exposed and penetrated in a public park. I still feel dirty about the whole thing. He also exposed my nipples and fondled them. I had never done anything like that before and I didnt like kissing him, he used too much tongue and was whimpering in a weird, submissive kind of way. Ill always know that I didnt consent to that. But then I read stories on here about people getting gang raped and I feel like such a baby. My family didn't have me prosecute him because they felt it would too traumatic for me to try and go through tedious litigation, and relive it, and not worth it. And I agree. But another woman got in touch with me during the #metoo movement when I outed him, and said he did it to her too at some party or something ://. She said I was brave because I did out him on social media. But I don feel brave. I feel like a useless bimbo most of the time.

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And then the second time I was raped was in 2023. Towards the end of the year. I visited a videographer who said he would help me make only fans content. He claimed to be very respecting of women and professional. He got my tickets to NYC and had me stay at his house for free. The first time I went to NYC I was too nervous and stood him up and just got drunk at a five star hotel in time square alone. It was fun. I saw old college friends. My gut was telling me not. to be around this man. I believe I am psychic to some extent, I read tarot cards and have sold psychic readings before.

So anyways I ended up giving in and going to nyc a second time and agreeing to meet him because I had been laid off from my job and actually have made a lot of money selling content in the past. So I was thinking about diving into full time modeling. I went to his apartment and I was pretty fucked up, macro dosing 1000 to 2000 mlg of weed edibles a day, everyday to self medicate my loneliness and my trauma. He had been flirtatious with me via text but I was also clear that I didnt want to film B/G content and wasnt interested in that. IDK why I didnt lie and say I had a boyfriend but I was abused a lot in my life and I have a pretty bad people pleasing, freeze, fawn instinct. So I didn’t know how to shut down this man’s flirtations. He insisted that he usually doesn’t get with the girls but I was just ‘soooo smart and he’s suchhhh a sapiosexual’ and he made his interest in me very clear. But I was figuring it was just a crush and most videographers get aroused during shoots and that doesn’t mean anything bad would happen. I was also not making good judgement calls across the board because I was getting very high everyday and not thinking clearly.

When I got to his apartment he showed me the bed I would be staying and Im a college graduate and professional so I naively expected this to be pure business and platonic. I have done work for an only fans agency for over a year under a W-9 and it was all very above board with my bosses never hitting on me or doing anything illegal. So I was thinking this opportunity would be like that. Especially cuz he claimed to have been a previous vanilla business owner and cameramen for the WWE which I am a fan of, and have been a since I was a little girl. Dad and I would go to matches and the fictional stories was my safe space, my escape.

When I got to the apartment and got on the bed he just made out with me, aggressively. My back was against the brick wall of the times square apartment. I was frozen in place. And then he went down on me, I actually do not like receiving oral at all, I have ADHD and its a sensory issue for me. Ive enjoyed it consensually from partners I was attracted to but this videographer was literally obese with greasy balding hair and perpetually furrowed bushy eyebrows. I remember him describing himself as 'a cunning linguist' via text and me laughing it off and going 'i bet you are' the way I hype up all men. But I never said I wanted that from him because I didn’t ever.

Inside I was all ugh, gag me with a spoon this is so corny its cringy and like- giving me oral was obviously turning him on. Oral still feels like its a way for partners to use my body to get off it rarely feels like its 'for me' unless it was with a attractive partner I was excited to enthusiastically consent to with a clear, sober, unthreatened mind. So I just fake moaned and wiggled until he stopped. But inside I was frozen and I was mortified. I did not want any form of sex with this man. I did not want him to be added to my sexual history, he was not attractive to me. But I was alone, and small, and on drugs in his apartment in a bustling, crime filled city. I didn't know how to say no. I could tell from his smile, that he was getting off on it, that using his tongue on me was still him using me. I faked an orgasm and after what felt like hours he stopped. He said “see I told you I would find a way to thank you 😏.” Because I gave him advice via text. And I just nodded silently. I agreed with whatever he said in the apartment because I didn’t want to upset this fat older man. But I didn’t want him. At all. And my heart twig was snapped in half after how he went down on me. I didn’t feel pleasured or rewarded, I felt objectified and sad and scared.

He would kiss me and grope me and talk about including me in his Only Fans business scheme the whole weekend. But he also talked about being a 'talent manager' aka PIMP for girls as young as eighteen to do escorting. I pretended to be ok with it but it made me feel very scared and uncomfortable. My ex bosses at the only fans agency neverrrr did anything illegal like that!!!! He showed me naked women without asking me, some girl who is big on twitter who has had a double mastectomy. And he tried to say that my pussy was so much better then theres. Im bisexual, it just made me sad. He was degrading them to try and compliment me and my naked body but it just felt degrading to me too. Like an insult to women is an insult to me as a cisgender woman. They are my spiritual sisters.

After the weekend it took a long time for him to get my content back to me. It took me a hot minute to piece together that I even was raped. But I talked about it with a male therapist who explained that was sexual assault. And I talked about it with a guy I was talking to romantically at the time and a few friends and they all agreed. And then I outed the guy online as my rapist with his full name and he dropped off the grid, removed his listing from the website he was using to find 'models' (victims) and is not online anymore as far as me and my support system can tell. I lowkey threatened him because I have family in the FBI. And because trace amounts of my blood are in his apartment because I accidentally cut myself while in his shower. Yay for me I guess but it also just made me feel all scared and sad. Like Im always worried that this rapist pimp will hunt me down and hurt me for hurting his business. And my family is worried too now. I told them everything that happened to me and it was so embarrassing because they were never supposed to know that I was in Only Fans modeling but my soul was so broken after the incident, I even accused my older brother of being a rapist unprovoked with zero reasoning and I wasnt leaving my bedroom and I wasn't sleeping.

I ended up in a mental hospital for my suicidal thoughts and my deep trauma and I blocked some cute local age appropriate guy from a singles event that I actually really liked during a paranoid episode. And I wiped my phone and my laptop at bestbuy in my paranoia without a backup. So now Im forever cuckholded from the cute guy because I blocked him, then wiped my phone, then changed my mind about him which is really sad and annoying to me.

Also in 2023 some blonde married man got me drunk and took off the condom while we were fucking without asking me. And he said “I just seemed like that kind of girl.” And that was weird. He told me he worked in Washington DC but he seems to have given me a fake name. The sex was good but I saw him other times in public after that and it was really scary. And I wasn’t able to file a restraining order unless I see him one more time. And even so if he gave me a fake name it won’t do much. All I can do is pray for myself to be safe which I have been. I started going to church and wrote it in a prayer book. And I’m trying to make safer choices.

But again I feel weird about all this because Im always hearing some chick complain that she does not get enough oral. And I’ve grown to like fingering even if I didn’t want it on the day of my first first date ever. And I read other stories of anal rape and forced blowjobs and being cornered and beaten by strangers. Like other people’s rapes were so concrete, like they were roofied and fucked with a penis. None of my rapists were strangers to me and I did flirt with them. But I never said I wanted what we did in any capacity and I never said yes to it. Because I did not want it. They are blocked on everything now and it shall stay that way until they die. I have a really disorganized attachment style but Im far more avoidant then I am clingy. So it’s not like I would recant my truths and try to get back with them, the people who I publicly outed online to try to protect other women. But privately I doubt myself and I’m like “what if I’m just a melodramatic drama queen” like some haters have said to me online. I know so many other people have had it so much worse than me. And I am really privileged to have a supportive and financially stable family. But I also do feel affected by the incidents. And my family saw it effecting me too. I had to get this off my chest. I don’t often share the nitty gritty of my story. Reassurance makes me feel very good because I struggle with pervasive self doubts.