Hi all,

I'm on day 3 of no weed. I've had 18 years on and off with it. Over 4 years of which were sober. I'm also 3.5 years alcohol free, and apart from an occasional cigar, I haven't smoked tobacco regularly in over 15 years.

Being sober is tricky though. I've had over 20 years with anxiety and depression, 11 years with daily aches and pains which Dr's said are born of stress and low mood. The past year and a half, not being stoned was a "treat" when in reality it should've been the other way around.

The longer I smoked, the less I smoked. Consuming around 3.5g every 6 weeks. So my habit wasn't major, and I also smoked alone. Much like my drinking. Although, unlike alcohol - when I was stoned in social situations my anxiety would usually ramp up, and I'd often have to leave group chat settings when my aches and pains went nuclear.

Seems odd to keep using weed when there was around a 60-70% chance it would make my anxiety and aches/pains worse. But therein describes life as an addict, even when it's taking a lot more from you than it could ever provide, you still struggle to quit, and you continue to maintain a draining and self-destructive habit.

Outside of drugs, other addictions have included people pleasing, comfort eating, gaming, social media, relationships and sex. Thankfully I've reigned in a lot of these too. Diet is improving, I game around 4 or 5 hours a week now instead of 40-50 hours. I dedicate a lot less time to social media, although it's my main form of socialising. But I realised as I got older that less and less people put in as much time and effort into online conversations as I do. And when you have a decades worth of energy bias, going out to friends who rarely reply - it can add to a sense of defeatism.

I've been looking after myself in other ways too. The past year or more I've been getting a regular sleep schedule. I also started 1-to-1 yoga lessons 6 months ago. I've seen 7 therapists since 2012, and I'm currently seeing one at present.

Another big change was cutting off emotionally damaged and draining local friends. Unfortunately this means I no longer have any local friends. Isolation has been a prolonged feeling in my life. It wasn't such an issue in childhood, but it's steadily grown harder as I became an adult.

I'm on the spectrum - so addiction risks, along with mental health co-morbidities are much higher. As is the potential, and reality for social fatigue and struggles.

Ever since a child I struggled to read. Quickly becoming distracted and worn out. In recent years I've been able to finish books, and have built up a good collection of material. I read non-fiction, and since 2012 and experiencing physical symptoms of my mental health struggles, I have sought out knowledge in books, forums, therapy and pursuing various means to improve my quality of life.

Recently, after 19 years stuck in office jobs, I have started a career as a carer. I needed a hands on, and people focused job. Feedback from clients and management in my new job has been outstanding. They all think I'm wonderful, which is nice to hear, but it won't ever convince my inner critic of my self-worth.

Truth is, I feel in life people enjoy my company more than I enjoy theirs. Which sounds conceited, but it just serves to highlight the struggles I encounter with socialising.

I finished all my training for this new job, and now I have nothing to do until Wednesday of next week when I start the job proper. Before that I'd been shadowing other carers, and next week when we do house visits to clients, I will be doubled up with someone until I feel confident enough to go about my rounds on my own.

This lack of things to do has stirred up the old feelings of depression and isolation. Other stresses at present include a van I've been converting into a campervan. But money ran out a while back, and so it just sits outside the house reminding me of this fact. Also, with ADHD - I have a lifetime littered with unfinished projects, and I don't want my future full time home to be one of those things. I'm also 8 months gone since I broke up with my ex, but truthfully, she felt like the one. Since the breakup I'm really struggling, and knowing it was my anxiety and depression that pushed her away is quite a crushing feeling.

Anyway, that's me. I figured I'd share this as perhaps people can relate. Also it's therapeutic for me to write and share.

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Ed