I don't know where this is coming from lately.

For reference, I had a pretty messed up life. In short: Father always yelling and telling me I am no good (once threatened to kill us both in a car), mother always drunk and crying, brother beat me up green and blue (even chased me with a knife once) and yelled everyday, sister always crying and had abusive boyfriends, teachers gave me worse grades and laughed at me crying in class, bullied for being weird all my life (once again beat up a lot) and this is just the tip of the iceberg. Most of this happened for over a decade. I had two suicide attempts and thought about it daily for the majority of my life.

I haven't really talked about this much with anyone. I talked about my other stuff with therapists. But my sexual abuse is something I haven't really discussed. It's the secondest most secret and messed up thing that's in my mind.

I have been able to just forget about it for the past few years. But now it's.. creeping up. Making it difficult to sleep. I am hesitant to call it rape because I technically could of left at almost any point.

When I was 17, I was on a side to find other gay people my age. I was very confused about my sexuality back then, I am bi now. I talked to a few people and eventually one of them had a lot of interest in me. Someone 18 who was living only two hours away with the train. We talked for two or three weeks. And I was so desperate. I was abused my whole life, never had friends, never had anyone. A year ago my father died, I just came out of my first therapy and into a school where everyone still bullied me because my reputation of being "the weird, quiet one" stuck. I just needed this to be good and work out.

We decided to meet up at his place. But one day before the meet up, when I already booked my train ticket, he messaged me and told me that he was actually 30 years old. He lied. He apologized and said he didn't want to weird me out but apparently felt a connection. I still agreed and got to his place a day later. We talked a bit, cuddled and I actually made the first move. I just wanted him to like me so bad.

Anyways, we slept with each other, that was my first time. I didn't really enjoy it and it felt bad. But I didn't care, he liked it. We didn't really click, he was very passive aggressive and weird around me.

We met again a week later, again at his place. Only this time.. he was different. He was more direct with me. He watched me poop on the toilet, even when I told him to leave. I just played along, thought he was just being silly and that this was normal. And then while cuddling he.. watched child porn on his phone. The kids looked like they around 12. I was disgusted and asked him what he was doing. He just jerked off and said "Well it's not like you can help them now haha."

Anyone with self respect would of left. Anyone would of left sooner than that. Reported this sick piece of shit to the police. What did I do? I played along. I needed to be loved so badly, I was depentend on him. And he knew. He.. made me sound like a kid. He tickled me and got happy when I giggled like a little child. And he wanted me to treat him like one. I felt disgusting. I don't know why I kept doing it.. for weeks. Made him happy while watching his depraved videos. Let him tie me up with a rope and play out fantasies of his. I just.. I am not a bad person. I didn't like it. But I could of left at any point, but I didn't. I needed it, I just wanted to be loved. I hated being touched by him, I hated having to pretend for him, I hated that he obviously only 'liked' me because I just turned 18 and was barley legal, I hated it, I hated it. I didn't mean to do these sick things, I was young and scared.

It makes me want to vomit today. I eventually left him, he tried his best to grossly get back with me, telling me that he can change and that I won't find anyone like him again. But I couldn't take it anymore. Haven't heard from him in years.

I sometimes have nightmares of it, it keeps me up at night. Over the past few years I didn't really pay much mind to it, I worried and nightmares and panic attacks about other things. But now.. this. It makes me feel gross, like no matter how much I shower the dirt wont come off. And I feel disgusted at myself that I didn't leave as soon as I saw what he really was. It's hard not to blame myself, even if I was completely disturbed and confused at this point in my life.

I am scared of what could happen if I become intimate with someone again. I just.. I feel pathetic.