Yeah I know this stems from self-esteem issues and general neuroticism, etc. But I have never disliked or found myself so jealous of someone as I have with this girl.

We lived right next to each other on campus. She arrived the year after me and quickly became friends with everyone I hung around with.

We were both fairly bubbly and look incredibly similar. Everyone said that we could pass as sisters. She was geniuely so nice, always offering to help, and just really pleasant company.

Our mutual friends would always say how lovely and pretty she was. Staff on campus would always sing her praises. She was universally liked. She was too fucking nice.

Very quickly, I noticed a seed of envy emerging, internally eye-rolling when someone would compliment her.

I found myself desiring to be as adored as she was. I tried to be nicer and more pleasant (I wouldnt say I'm a bitch, but I'm certainly not a pushover either). I quickly realised that I couldn't overcome my strong (prone to bluntness, emotional outbursts, opinionated, gossips) and eccentric ('spectrumesque') personality.

Stupid shit got to me, like people saying how pretty she was, when I was literally just the eastern european version of her (more striking but less conventionally attractive). But they wouldn't say shit about me because of who I was as a person.

As I got to know her, I realised she had the most nice and normal childhood humanly possible. I, on the other hand, was not blessed with that... and the thought that I could have been a much more normal and pleasant if life had dealt me a better hand has plagued me ever since.

(This sentiment was confirmed by the only other person who wasn't a fan of her being a literal orphan, who was mean as fuck (charismatic arsehole archetype))

I haven't seen her in almost year but everytime she pops up on social media or is mentioned, I still find myself seething.

I know jealously is unattractive and unbecoming. I know I just sound like a bitter bitch. Yet I feel like I am also grieving the person I could have been, if that makes sense.

But yeah, seeing someone who is you but better sucks, and I hope someone can relate to this so I can feel a bit more normal.