First off, hello everyone. I've been on this sub a bit lately since I've been going through a tough time, and I felt a little better reading through people's stories knowing that I'm not alone in this crazy world of feelings and blah, as well as being impressed by the outpouring support and constructive feedback that the entire reddit community contributes (give yourself a pat on the back).

So a bit of a read here so I'll try to get as many details as possible. (Names changed for privacy reasons). Me and April have been entrenched in each other's lives for about 2 years now. We first met as coworkers (November 2014) at our college's student center and immediately hit it off. I knew she had a boyfriend, and me having been through a relationship where a wedge in the form of another guy ended it, I made a rule to myself since then to never be that guy, no matter how cool or attractive she may be. So once I learned that information, I thought "darn" and then continued living my life. Fast forward a few months (January 2015) and they've broken up, fast forward a few more months and we've started somewhat seeing each other (April 2015), her easing into the idea of seeing someone new, and me being cautious as well, knowing full well the emotional trials one can go through after a lengthy relationship. At some point, her and her ex decided to give it another go (May 2015) and without getting into details I knew full well the emotional abuse that was happening on his end and I wasn't happy about that for many reasons, both selfishly and for her safety. This then leads into the summer where she has left him for good (spoiler alert; not really) and has rekindled talking to me. I again am hesitant and take it very slowly. As the days and weeks went on, everything seemed to get better. We went on trips, we hung out every chance we could. We finally had sex and It was awesome, and for the first time in our brief history, I felt that something that had eluded us for so long was finally on the horizon; stability. The summer ended, which meant the fall semester was about to begin again, which meant the return of the ex bf (they both lived on campus). I didn't care that they hung out, I knew they had the same circle of friends, and I knew that they inevitably had to talk to each other. I trusted her. But throughout those months that trust kept being chipped away. Now just to be clear, yes, there was no clear label for us. But I made I was direct with her that I didn't plan on dating anyone else and had all intentions in making her my girlfriend once she graduated that following January. She agreed, and reciprocated the same feelings. All of that fell out the window one morning when I received an Instagram DM (I know right wtf) from her ex informing me that they've been hooking up the whole time. I obviously was angry and sad, and when I confronted her she told me how she wanted to tell me but had to find the right way (which honestly speaking, if she had told me I might have been more receptive to working it out differently). I then cut things off between us. It was awful, but I had to otherwise I would have just resented her (second spoiler). So for a period of about 6 months I didn't talk to her (December - May 2016). In that time I hung out with a couple girls and thought of maybe dating them, including one also from our work whom I had a history with prior to meeting April, but for whatever reason each one fizzled. It was around that time that April starts contacting me again heavily, I keep rebuking her requests and texts until finally I caved and hung out with her. Now, this is where my errors start to be more present. We start doing the FWB thing which to me was great because I was still bitter but I got to 'hang out' with her but never committed because of previously mentioned resentment, which is the part that I'm regretful for because that's not what men do. Douchebags in high school do but not men, and I reduced myself to a douchebag instead of being honest and clear by saying I still had negative feelings so I didn't want to hurt both me and her by continuing this type of arrangement, and I knew this. For her, it was hell because she knew she didn't have me completely, and that's what haunts me even now as I type this. That went on until this last November (2016) when I after much reflection, thought and self-evaluation I realized how much we'd gone through and how much about me she knew and vice versa and that I truly loved her. When I approach her with this she seemed cold, and finally revealed that she had gone on a date and wanted to go on another one. I thought fair enough. It is now though that she has begun to push me away. This all came to a head last Saturday when she invited to go to an outing with her friends, we end up getting drunk and in the process end up saying some strong things. Basically, she said that no matter what we're doing now; we're gonna end up getting married. She then drunkenly pulls out her phone and shows me rings that she wants on Instagram. I kinda laughed but then I said yes of course and went on to apologize for my behavior (don't worry I had apologized before sober too). Now yes we were drunk, but that's something I had already and still do visualize (the marriage part). The next day I text her to see how she's doing and she says good, I then ask her if she remembers any of our conversations and she says yes all of them, I then ask if there's anything she said that she'd like to take back and she said no, she meant what she was saying.

So I know that she is currently hanging out with some guy, but we still talk to each other and arrange to hang with each other, I know she has feelings for me as well as acknowledging a drunk comment and leaving it as truth. But, is acting cold and short with me also in the same way I was with her before.

I more or less know what I need to do to, but these damn feelins' y'all, they got me all riled up. I want to know how I should move forward, and at what point do I just stop.

Feel free to ask any clarifying questions as I typed this while getting licked by my dog while trying to watch The Office while trying to sleep.

Thank you and I hope to hear from many of you soon.

Ps: I know the tone I convey might be lighthearted or trying to be funny, but the reality is i love this girl, and it is making me very stressed just thinking about it. I don't want anyone to think I'm not feeling anything, I'm just trying my best to suppress the pain that we've inflicted on each other.

(Also thanks for making it to the end of this, if I had cookies I'd give one to you right now).

Edit: Number

TL;DR: Met girl, slept with ex bf while we were seriously talking, I resented and ignored her. Finally became FWB again, but when I finally wanted something she revealed she's dating someone but also that she sees a long term reality in our future between her and I. More or less know how to move forward, just kind of scared.