TL;DR: My girlfriend (F30) and I (M29) have been together for four years. We tried an open relationship two years ago, but it didn’t work out due to poor communication. Now, she’s suggested reopening the relationship, but I’m struggling because she already has someone specific in mind. This has brought up deeper issues about trust, mental health, and differing relationship goals. I want advice on how to navigate this and whether we can work through it.

Basic Info

• Ages: M29, F30
• Relationship Length: 4 years
• Past Attempts: Tried an open relationship 2 years ago but ended up breaking up temporarily.

Context: Our Past with Non-Monogamy

Two years ago, we attempted an open relationship. However, we failed to set clear boundaries or communicate our expectations, leading to tension and misunderstandings. Ultimately, we broke up.

After some time apart and a lot of discussions, we decided to give our relationship another shot. Since then, we’ve been exclusive, and everything seemed great. We moved in together, built a solid foundation, and I was even considering proposing soon.

What’s Happening Now

A few days ago, my girlfriend came home after spending time with friends and told me about a guy she met who she really likes. When I pressed her, she admitted that she has a crush on him and suggested reopening our relationship to explore this.

I want to support her and keep an open mind, but this feels very different from before because there’s already a specific person involved. This guy shares the same hobby as us—a major part of our lifestyle and social circle—so avoiding him entirely isn’t realistic.

Over the past five days, we’ve been talking daily, and while I appreciate her honesty, I’ve been feeling more uneasy with each conversation. Initially, she said they only exchanged occasional Instagram reels. However, when I confronted her about how uncomfortable I felt, she admitted they’ve been messaging sporadically on Instagram since July and flirting on WhatsApp for about two weeks.

The Current Situation

Last night, we had a long conversation, and more details emerged. She admitted that:

• Nothing physical has happened.
• They’ve been flirting for about a week (since she brought up reopening the relationship).
• He’s picked her up from work a few times.

She also said she wouldn’t have told me about these interactions if we had agreed to open the relationship because, to her, it was “just flirting” and mostly bonding over shared mental health struggles. She said talking to him helped her feel understood in ways I don’t always provide, as she struggles with ADHD, depression, and being on the autism spectrum.

While I understand her need for support, it’s hard to reconcile this with the fact that she kept it from me and only admitted it when I pressed her. She also refused to let me see their messages, citing his privacy.

Different Visions of Non-Monogamy

It’s become clear that we have very different ideas about what an open relationship would mean. For her, it’s about close friendships where intimacy occasionally happens. For me, it’s more casual—building meaningful connections without creating new full-fledged relationships.

She admitted she’d want to do things like go on vacations with this person, which, to me, feels more like polyamory than non-monogamy. I don’t think I can handle that. Even with preparation, I’m not sure I’d ever be okay with it.

Deeper Issues

This has also revealed deeper issues in our relationship. We recently moved to a new city together, and I thought we were building a life here, working toward shared goals like starting a family and creating a home. But when I brought this up, she said she’s not sure if she wants those things anymore.

She also told me she feels like I’ve expected her to conform to my vision of life rather than building something together. That wasn’t my intention—I thought these were things we had mutually agreed on over time.

My Own Mistakes

I want to acknowledge my own mistakes. Two years ago, during our first attempt at an open relationship, I slept with someone while we were figuring things out. We weren’t officially together at the time, but we were still talking and occasionally sleeping together. I told her about it the next day, but it hurt her deeply and is something that still affects her today.

Another regret stems from about 3.5 years ago when she was considering going to a day clinic for her mental health. At the time, I had just come out of a previous relationship where I supported a partner through similar struggles, and it had been emotionally draining for me. I told her I didn’t think I could handle it again and that I wanted to end the relationship. We ultimately stayed together, but I know how much that hurt her.

She’s told me she still struggles to open up about her mental health because she feels I don’t understand and fears I might leave her if things get too difficult. Hearing this made me incredibly sad—I never wanted her to feel unsupported.

Where I’m At

The last time we were in an open relationship, I was genuinely excited about the idea. It felt like a chance to try something new, and I embraced it. But lately, I haven’t given much thought to non-monogamy. With the big move, starting my master’s program, and beginning a demanding new job, I’ve been focused on settling into this new phase of life.

I care deeply about her and had hoped we’d grow old together. But now, I’m not sure if we even want the same things anymore. I don’t think she acted out of malice, but I also don’t think she fully understood how hurtful her actions were.

At this point, I feel lost. I want to be fair and open-minded, but I’m struggling to see how we can move forward.

What I Need Help With

• How can I better understand her perspective without feeling like my own feelings are invalidated?
• Is it possible to rebuild trust and navigate this together, or are our differing views on relationships too fundamental to overcome?
• How do I approach discussing these deeper issues about our future without making it feel like an ultimatum?