I (49F) was married to my ex-husband, Derek (49M), for 20 years before divorcing a few months ago. We have two kids, a daughter (22F) and a son (17M). I found out Derek was having a two-year affair, and my world was shattered. But what hurt almost as much was discovering that my daughter had known about it the whole time. She actively hid it from me for two years—lied, covered for him, and never once tried to warn me.

When I found out, I was devastated, not just by my husband’s betrayal, but by my daughter’s choice to keep it from me. She was young at the time, and I understand it was a difficult position for her, but the pain was immense. I never confronted her directly, thinking it might affect her as she was about to go off to college. I just told her I knew, that I understood, and tried to move on. But after she left, I found myself distancing myself from her more and more. It wasn’t planned; I just needed space to heal, and that meant not calling her as often or reaching out as much.

Fast-forward a year and a half, and I’ve started dating someone (41M) who has a 10-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. Recently, we all went to Disney together, and he posted a family photo of us on social media. For Context, my boyfriend covered all the expenses as a gift for his daughter's birthday, wanting to make it special for her. Along with my son and me, she chose her two cousins to come along, making it a big family-style trip that was all about her. My daughter must have seen it because she didn’t call me for over a month afterward, and honestly, I wasn’t as affected by her absence as I would’ve been before. I still love her, but every interaction brings up that pain.

Out of nowhere, she called me in tears. She was screaming, saying I obviously hadn’t forgiven her and that I’d shut her out on purpose. She accused me of “replacing her” with my boyfriend and his daughter. She kept saying, “It was a long time ago, I was a kid, I didn’t mean to hurt you!” She said she thought she was doing the right thing by staying quiet, that she didn’t know how to tell me, and that she was terrified of breaking our family apart. She asked me if I’d ever forgive her or if I’d “moved on” for good. I tried to tell her that I loved her and never wanted to replace her, but she just kept pushing that I should “get over it by now” and that I’d abandoned her for this new life.

To top it off, my ex-husband later called me, furious, accusing me of “leaving” my daughter for a “younger man and a new family.” He even had the nerve to call me selfish for “moving on.” (Ironically, his girlfriend is 30, and he’s the one who blew up our family with his affair.) It’s like no one understands that I’m still trying to recover from years of betrayal, and it feels like I’m expected to just let it go, as if my pain doesn’t matter.

My son, who lives with me, found out about his sister hiding the affair after overhearing my husband's mom and sister talking. He was crushed and hasn’t forgiven her either, and they’ve barely spoken since. I never wanted him to know, but it feels like the entire family is divided now, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I’m in therapy, but I still feel lost. Part of me knows she was young and didn’t know how to handle it, but another part of me feels like she chose him over me. I love my daughter, but every time we talk, that hurt resurfaces. I don’t know if I’m failing as a mother or if I’m protecting myself. I feel like I’ve emotionally checked out, and I don’t know how to reconnect.

Edit: Just to clarify, my divorce actually happened a few months ago, not three years ago as I originally mentioned. My sister, who is a bit of a scatterbrain, encouraged me to post here and typed out much of it for me. In the process, she got the timeline wrong, and I didn’t catch it before posting. My daughter was 17 when she found out about the affair. She had a lot going on at the time, including having to change schools due to some personal issues and repeating a year. So, when I found out, it was less than two years ago. I hope this clears up the confusion.