I’ve always had low confidence, mainly when it comes to how other people see me. I’ve had history of being bullied, and I have one failed relationship in the past, ending in me getting cheated on. (Next segment not for bragging, but it sets up for the meat of why I’m making this post).

I do think myself to be relatively good looking (tall, good hair, athletic build), I have lots of friends and I have really no difficulties in making them, no difficulties in social situations (other than this one). I like to think I am accomplished for my age; I am going to my dream university to study business, I worked at the same place part-time for a couple years, and currently I am serving in the army where I am a corporal. All in all I like to think I am a package (lol).

She is an amazing girl, funny, beautiful, smart and trustworthy. We have shared our deepest secrets with eachother, and we have a bond where we can share anything with eachother. We have a total match in sense of humor, sometimes we can’t even talk because we laugh so much. We both do not talk to anyone else, no girl/boy bestfriends, and neither of us have no history of sleeping around or anything like that (both bodycounts being 1). Everytime I see her I bring her flowers, I always pay for her food, I tell her how special she is to me and I always compliment her on something. With her I do not even think about intimacy, she makes me so happy just for being around her.

Now to the problem. I always seem to be stressing and worrying about what she is doing, and if she is falling out of love with me. In my mind she is constantly looking for a replacement to me, and I always worry about her just going along with all this to get something out of me, or that she is just scared to say no. These thoughts are always muffled when I’m with her, but as soon as I’m not they all flood in and I start fearing the worst. Sometimes the flow of my days hinge on her attention. It feels like I need constant reassurance that she still likes me, and sometimes I get so consumed in my thoughts that I am unable to do anything else. We have talked about this, and she did reassure me that she does love me and that she would never look for anyone else. Even after that, I did not believe her. To me it seems like I want her to do something horrible to me. It feels so much like I don’t deserve her that sometimes I would just want to end it out of compassion for her.

This tipped over the scale today, when she went to a music festival with her friends (I am stuck in guard duty for the weekend). The feelings of jealosy and anxiety I felt about this made me feel so bad. The last thing I ever want to do is control what she wears, where she can go, who she can talk to etc. Now I did not say these things to her, I only wished her to have fun and stay safe. But still I felt my gut wrench at the thought that she might be doing something with someone. I thought about it rationally and realized how ridiculous my situation is, and that I really need help. The reason why I’m writing this on reddit and not to her, is that I really do not want to be a burden on her (which is also a thing we have discussed, her saying that I’m not but again I didn’t believe her).

I don’t want to be obsessive, controlling, jealous and anxious all the time. I want to be able to love her in a confident way, and I want to change. I want to be able to live with her without the need for constant reassurance. I know that these feelings may come from my past experience of being cheated on, but I really do not want bad past experiences spoiling the good ones in the present.

Help me dudes! How can I deal with myself and not constantly piss in my own cereal! Also PS. I know I sound like I am putting all my eggs in one basket, but even if this one doesn’t work out I’m completely sure that if I can learn to deal with my feelings confidently, the next one will be much easier to deal with on my own. (Still completely committed to making this one work ✌️)

Thank you all in advance!

TLDR: Don’t trust girlfriend, even while everything is allright.