Here I am with the age old question. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years and living together for almost a year. He is a slob, quite frankly. And I like things neat. Luckily we have a three bedroom house. We share one of them as our bedroom, one of them is my study, the third is a guest bedroom, and he has his “man cave” in the basement. So there’s a pretty good separation of spaces which already solves a big portion of this issue. I keep my space how I like and he keeps his space how he likes. But the common areas are a bit of an issue.

We do have a slightly “traditional” relationship. He does stuff like work on my car for me (but he’s also taught me how to do a lot of stuff for my car) and I prep meals that we can both eat throughout the week. But these are not strict rules; we both share our skills with each other in a way that is beneficial. However, I am struggling to maintain the house when he will not even put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher or put his dirty laundry into the hamper. He does it if I ask him to, but I am trying to find a way to share these responsibilities without having to ask him to do it or make a list.

So how do you set boundaries when it comes to cleaning? As an example situation, I’ll use the dirty dishes. I have lived with messy people before and tried the “just leave it” method where you just leave their dirty dishes on the counter and wait for them to clean it. But it has not worked in my past living situations or this one. Messy people just tend to ignore the pile of dishes. I even had one roommate who would leave her dishes for so long that she forgot they were hers and then would send out group texts saying “can you guys please do your dishes.” How do I set a boundary that says, “I am not going to do your dishes and I need you to do them”? I have outright said this, but he “forgets.” He is just not an orderly person and these tasks are so absent from his mind. But that does not mean he should not be responsible. What has worked for you?

And please, spare me the “dump him” comments. I love this man and I am committed to working on our issues as a team.