My husband (38M) and I (29F) have been together for almost 10 years. I always suspected he isn’t always honest and lies regarding little, insignificant things (compulsive lying due to severe childhood trauma). He’s also cheated A LOT in the past (not while with me, or at least that’s what he says). I am aware he has a desire to have sexual relations with other people, and for about 2 years now I even suggested we try opening up the relationship. I recently realised I am bisexual myself and I’d love to try a FFM with him. I even agreed to watching if he wants to have sex with someone who I don’t find attractive.

The problems started about 1y ago, when I heard him on a work call being flirty with a woman. She was flirting back. I confronted him, and he simply denied, saying the poor girl is very anxious and he is trying to be less intimidating. (Don’t believe it for a second) It happened 2-3 times after, same story, until these calls between them stopped altogether. A few months later he confessed that my jealousy was stressing him out and he was arranging these calls when I wasn’t home or when he was in the office.

Often after going for a beer after work, he’d come home and talk about her and what good friends we would be as we are very similar, once even suggesting that she likes him (even though she is in a long term commitment relationship). I suggested we invite her for dinner, as I was hoping it’s all in my head. During dinner she was flirting with my husband right in front of her bf. My husband was not reciprocating. At one point this woman made a joke about swinging. Regardless who was talking at the table (me or her bf) she wouldn’t take her eyes off my husband: checking his reaction constantly. Her body was always turned towards him, even if that meant she had her back turned to her boyfriend. Once, he got up to go to the toilet and she got up! She literally stood up!

Fast forward, my husband came home one evening absolutely terrified that he might lose his job for not reporting an incident between this woman and another employee. During this conversation he revealed that she actually has a crush on me and she’d like to swing, but her bf is not happy about it. He also revealed that they are having very inappropriate conversations. I suggested a 3some with her, but he said absolutely not.

The last drop was a few days ago, when we took a “trip” together on certain substance and he wouldn’t shut up about her. He even asked me to go meet her. By this point he became so defensive of the subject when sober, that he would flip out and would raise his voice. When asked about anything related to her he was always vague, never giving any details.

As he asked to go meet her, I took all my courage and went to confront her. I was as gentle as I could, but she seemed terrified. She obviously denied everything, and what scared her the most is the fact that the HR story was completely made up by my husband (at least that’s what she said) The actual reason why he was called into HR is because he has an inappropriate relationship with her, and someone reported them. She admitted to flirting, but she said that’s her nature, and she would never go for a 3some and she never mentioned swinging, except the joke she made when came over.

Came home, my husband realised what I have done, and went crazy, saying that I might have cost him his job. He then lied he needs the toilet and texted her. She immediately sent me a screenshot, saying that this is making her feel very uncomfortable and if this doesn’t stop she’ll report him. I asked him about the text, he lied to my face. Asked him to show me the phone, he had it archived. Even when face to face with the damn text he tried to gaslight me. When he saw he can’t get out of it, he looked very confused and seemed to not understand how he even did that? He asked me to fix this situation and tell this woman that I have mental issues to save his job.

Even though I don’t believe him, and not sure I believe her either, I send her a long text apologising and begging to not tell him (even though he already knows) as I made the whole thing up to get her to confess. I went as far as to say that i am supposed to be on medication. She agreed to not report him in the end, but she said she doesn’t want to have anything to do with us, and she will only talk to him if work related. Then she blocked us both on all socials (I would do the same tbh).

Showed him the convo, thinking he’ll be grateful I saved his ass by throwing myself under the bus, but he was pissed! She blocked him?! She won’t talk to him?! His job is at her mercy? Started shouting and blaming me, saying that only someone who wants to fuck his whole life would do something like this. He said his first instinct is ALWAYS to protect me and I made him look like an absolute villain while playing the victim, without thinking about the consequences for one second. I cried the whole day. He refuses to speak to me, or sleep in the same bed. He even suggested he might leave me. This morning, he texted her apologising for me, supporting the narrative that I need help and I am off my medication, even though she specifically asked not to be contacted unless work related. I feel very uncomfortable about this! It’s one thing for me to say it to save his as, but him saying it just feels icky. Especially since she agreed to not report him as long as we both stay away. He seems more concerned to preserve his image in front of her and their relationship than his job. He said we have to even plan what we tell other people about this. (if he thinks I’ll support the “i’m crazy and need meds” narrative in front of friends and family he lost his mind)

I am very confused and don’t know what to think. I was convinced he is having an affair, now I am not so sure. I might have fucked his life up because of my stupid imagination. I am swinging between feeling guilty that I hurt him without thinking and feeling somehow like it’s actually his fault! I mean he did lie, and he led me to think something is truly wrong with his behaviour. But I think I went to far, and I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know what to feel! Do I feel mad at him for lying (he even said that he was just playing with jealousy to spice things up a bit)? Do I feel guilty for possibly costing him his career?

TLTR - confronted one of my husband’s coworkers thinking they are having an affair and I might have cost him his job.