So I’m 23F living in a few states away from NDad. We talk frequently and I felt the distance was giving us some much needed space. Previously I had been living with him but absolutely hated it as he’s just unbearable.

Today I received a FaceTime call from him that seemed innocent enough. We talked for a minute and suddenly my stepbrother takes the phone. He asks me if I believed NDad allows me to get away with things he and my brother weren’t allowed to. I was confused since we’re all adults and he can’t allow me or tell me I can’t do anything (something I had to teach myself).

Then my stepmom chimed in and brought up the fact that NDad would allow me to get away with murder. Again I’m still confused. I asked if they were referencing teen years and reminded them that I definitely didn’t do anything to be able to get away with. I wasn’t the perfect kid by any means but I definitely wasn’t a problem child either. Both brothers were in and out of trouble in high school. Suspended once a month (not exaggerating), fighting, doing drugs, just all around troublesome.

So again I’m confused. NDad then mentions that I’m too sarcastic and that he does allow me to be sarcastic and that I’m too opinionated.

Honestly I am opinionated. I grew up with a parent that smacked me every time I so much as thought of something different. If I ever wanted to defend myself I couldn’t. I couldn’t speak up if I felt uncomfortable about something. I legitimately at some points felt that I could never be my own person because of the entire “be seen and not heard” thing. I was raised to fear my parents. Raised to believe that they owned me (which is something a lot of black parents feel I noticed). Up until about 16 I barely even spoke and was shy as hell. Never could I say “hey I don’t like that you treated me this way “ or “hey, I don’t feel good when you yell at me”. I was just a shell of a person literally.

So still on the call NDad tells me that he shouldn’t be allowing me to speak to him in a disrespectful way and I talk to him however I want.

My reply “first, I’m an adult. We all are adults. Again you’re not letting me get away with anything. Second, I believe that as a parent I should be able to speak to you and tell you when you’re making me uncomfortable or I don’t agree with something. It’s not disrespectful for me to speak my mind.”

He proceeded to get angry and gripe about the fact that the way I’m talking to him now is what he lets me get away with and I’d never do that if we were in person.

1. Maybe ten years ago he would be right because usually he’d have just resorted to hitting me
2. I don’t even care to have the conversation. It’s exhausting and quite frankly I don’t want to rehash things I’ve already gone over in therapy.

Exhausted isn’t even the word.