im never a good talker. i get excited about things and i blurt out everything because i feel like i have one chance to do it and if i dont get everything out now - it eats me up. so one day when i was in the Intensive Outreach Program (IOP is a medical-leave therapy group, I was in it for major depression, suicide, cutting, and almost losing my job) Nmom messaged me and I was so scared I started shaking.

I recently came out to my dad, i told him things that - i never wanted Nmom to know - i was convinced she knew and immediately i was crying in therapy and after ten minutes asked to leave to call her to sort things out because i felt like i could feel her hating me through the phone the way her messages were typed...

I called. Nmom didn't know I was pansexual - or in therapy - but she was trying to control my diet again. The whole everything - the stress of whether she knew and now her trying to control this again in my life... I blurted it out. She was so angry. Nmom told me that if I changed my diet I would no longer be Pan. She told me it's the TV I watch that 'how could I do this to her, she's at work at the front desk' and I was crying and apologizing saying i just needed to get it out after a decade and a half....

I didn't call home after that. I was scared but they called me and - I answered and Nmom just - immediately went off on me. I tried to think of it differently - like a crazy woman going off on a young girl for wanting to be happy but she kept pushing old buttons that fueled old self-hate.

Then she started repeating things 'Hahaha, i dont know why... that still bugs me.... that you did that.... hm..' and I didn't answer because I didn't know what she wanted but then I realized - she wants me to apologize to her. Something I already did, sobbing, 2 weeks prior, and had come out to her about in high school so many years ago where she had yelled at me so hard that I was on my knees crying begging her telling her it was a joke while my dad and brother watched me... so scared that I actually convinced everyone it was a joke and went back into the closet for another 8 years (in which I had 3 relationships with boys, trying to find someone that could possibly love me and for me to forget who I am, that all ended in emotional and/or manipulative abuse)...

Im so sorry I'm rambling. I've been out of work since October and I'm going back on Wednesday and I'm terrified. My boss is VERY similar to Nmom and I had an amazing opportunity pop up and there was no excitement on her end i dont even know why i told her... Nmom said (in her 2 hour rant where I didn't get to say anything and she called me a lot of "nice" names) that our family relationship was like a dying plant.

"I guess I can't make you care. I guess I can't make you care about us... it's like losing a child. We raised you...."

i started an art project where I make [things] and she insulted them for over a year until that opportunity came up BECAUSE of my art project and now suddenly she "wants one" for christmas and she turns on this switch that's like an 8-year-old school girl and it's gross. Everything feels so gross. I feel gross. I hate who I am, I hate what I work on I feel never good enough and freakish -

like there's some shriveled up part of me that creates the art that brings me joy and in that numbness that I work on it it's alright but as soon as I stop her words that I've heard all my life start flooding into me like a bunch of pop up ads that slow down a computer and I'm just so tired...

I'm not even asking for help and I know no one's gonna read this and I'm so sorry for the long post and being dramatic - I know people have it worse than me and it's selfish to wallow in this self-loathing/destruction. I just needed to type somewhere something after reading what other people went through i guess,