At the age of 34, and STILL have that feeling inside me that I owe it to other people. My time, my energy, myself. The guilt whenever I say no, and the self-hatred whenever I say yes. I gave again, they succeeded in breaking me again. Or if they didn't break me, I still feel guilty and they exploit it and kick me where it hurts the most. You can not be a winner this way, you are condemned to be a forever loser, nothing changes. Please don't say "therapy". Fuck therapy. Been there, done that, too much of it to know that it just won't make things go away, and even I with all my efforts can't make things go away, because I am this person, I am this feeling: I owe it to others, whatever they want. I can't escape it, only embrace it, but what if I decide to refuse? I am SERIOUSLY praying everyday to become dead sick and die, or to have a heart attack but nothing happens. I would SERIOUSLY refuse to call for ambulance if I had a heart attack at home. I would be so happy. I am on edge. I am seriously considering taking revenge and taking people down with me for good.