I don’t know where to begin.

I’m currently in the period of my life where I’m deciding to cut 100% all contact from my parents (right now they only pay for my phone bill). I grew up in a lower middle class home and my parents would beat, yell, punish, and scold my brother and me. I thought it was normal. I thought everyone as a child got hit. It wasn’t until I started going to therapy and telling my therapist the things my mother would do or how she would act that I would actually start to question my perception of my childhood.

There would be times when my mother would ignore my brother and I for days. We were children asking our mother what’s for dinner and she would not respond. If we went out in public and we did something she didn’t like or agree with (i.e. talking to a stranger or another child) she would whisper to us “that’s strike one” and we knew if we got to strike three, she would beat us when we got back home. We always got to strike three.

I never discussed it with anyone other than my current partner and my therapist. I didn’t think it was important. I thought all children grew up in households like that.

When I went to college I told my parents I wanted to be an English major since I enjoyed reading and poetry so much. I wanted to study more. My mother told me that if they’re paying for my tuition, then they have a say in my major. She told me majoring in English was useless and I wouldn’t make money from it. It was about making the family money, not what I wanted.

As an adult now, I haven’t talked to my mother in almost 2 years. (My father and I are low contact because I feel sorry he has to live with her as such a kind man, but he does enable her.) My therapist believes she may have narcissistic tendencies or have borderline personality disorder after the many stories I told her about my mother.

I’m searching for comfort or answers here. I feel extreme guilt. My mother was abused in her house growing up. The horror stories she told me about her childhood make mine sound like heaven. It’s not my mother’s fault she’s this way, right? I keep bouncing between this idea because she’s an adult now. She has the power to rewire her brain, to apologize, to start to have a loving relationship with her children. Doesn’t it pain her to see that her children hate her? Why doesn’t she care? Why do I feel guilt?

It feels like Stockholm Syndrome. I can’t escape. Every time I try to block her number, I keep unblocking it. I keep telling myself she did her best, it just wasn’t good enough. I keep telling myself that one day she will apologize, but instead she will send me jewelry in the mail or money. (For this past Christmas she sent me a check for $500 and the memo on the check said “Love you”. One time she gave me a bracelet because we got in an argument after she called me condescending.)

I don’t love her and I’m worried I don’t think I ever did. I was scared of her. I lived in fear in my childhood. I was terrified every time I saw her car pull up in the driveway. I would always be cautious with my words when around her because I didn’t know if I was going to trigger her anger. This caused me to become a meek adult and I’m terrified of any type of confrontation now. Do I blame her or myself?

How can I receive closer? My therapist says I’m allowed to grieve the mother I never had but… I WANT my mother! I want her to want me, but she has shown no sign of that.

I don’t have any friends who can relate this in my real life. Everyone is “best friends” with their mother and although my partner is annoyed of their mother, they still love her. Am I in the wrong? Can anyone else relate or help me out? I’m at my wits end.