I'm not sure where else to post this so I thought I'd try here. This is extremely uncomfortable for me to type but I know I'll grow from it so I'm ok with doing this.

Long story short: I was with my ex-husband for 20 years. I gave everything I had to the relationship. I knew things were rocky but I didn't know just how toxic it was until one day I had an acute medical emergency and began hemorrhaging. I needed to be rushed to the hospital. I called my then ex-husband but he was working, he told me to "keep him posted". My mom ended up taking me. I got to the hospital and they prepped me for surgery immediately. I was terrified, I've never had a medical emergency before. Afterwards, the doctor told me what was wrong and everything was ok now, but I seriously could have died. When I got discharged, my ex husband was nowhere to be found, so my mom picked me up and I recovered at my parents house. I knew I had to leave my marriage because he truly didn't care whether I lived or died.

I moved in with my parents with my 2 kids. I felt like a complete failure. But, I felt like I was at rock bottom and decided I had nowhere to go but up. I got a therapist, started my business, and began creating a new life for myself. The journey has been HARD, but I learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of accomplishing. I really focused on healing, growing, forgiving myself and others, getting better with the help of family, friends, and my therapist, creating a new life for me and my kids, etc.

After a year at my parents, I moved out on my own. And I have to say, my life today is pretty amazing. I absolutely love how my business has blossomed, I love myself and the woman I've become, my kids recently told me they love our "little family" and the memories we've created, I've forgiven and made peace with their father even though he's not really around for them, I've accepted that, etc...things are good!

So it's going on two years and I have not dated this entire time. I wanted to be in a really good place before I even thought about that. I'm still in therapy even though I don't see her as often now. I feel like I'm ready to try to put myself out there because I've truly done the work.

The problem: unbeknownst to me until very recently, I'm pushing men away if they show any kind of interest. Also, my mom told me a guy at the store was shamelessly flirting with me and I was completely oblivious to it. After meditating on it, I know exactly why I do this; it's a way to protect myself and it prevents me from getting hurt. I truly, truly don't want to be this way. I don't want my past to dictate my future. I know this is the next step in my journey...learning how to trust and be vunerable. I'm definitely talking to my therapist next week about it.

But in the meantime, I just want to chat and ask a few men how they opened themselves up again after they got completely destroyed by a long term marriage. I know it's possible, but I don't know where to start or how to begin. I'm really determined to change this. I want to chat with men because I'd like to hear their perspective, I've already heard from a fair amount of women.

Anyways, please send me a message if you've been through something similar and you've learned how to open up and let someone in. I really want to know how you did it.

Thanks for reading this....this was extremely hard for me to be vulnerable (even in an online platform) but I need to be uncomfortable if I want to change. Thanks again!