This is the right step in my sobriety and moving on from porn addiction. I’ve been seeing my CSAT for a couple of months now, but she urged me to go to a SAA meeting to give it a try. What really drove me to this conclusion was this:

I’ve been realizing that some of the traits I have, which I mocked up as “personality traits”, were just the result of me draining my energy before a party, date, or even work. I would use porn to get me to a baseline, and it has been so long that it is just an old habit. I have been in a constant pattern of dating women that I felt like I had to “save” or “fix” in order to make myself feel good. I’m learning that it’s all connected to a source, and I’m determined to get rid of this addiction to make my future self a better man for my mom, for my lover, and most importantly, myself.

I thought I wasn’t addicted, because I am relatively successful in my career. I have a great paying job, am normally ambitious in my goals, have a side gig where I get paid to play music, my passion, and I had some success dating women and holding relationships. I kept reading things on reddit that made my brain think “I’m not like them” but then I slowly started to see the silver lining in it all. I continue to find that thread. And I tried to install blockers on my phone and laptop, but man does the brain want to find loopholes!!

I want to write this as a message to myself that I will get better, and that I will grow from this. I’m very afraid of transforming into a completely different person, but I feel that I have done a lot of work with my therapists to understand that I still am who I am, but I am letting go of this 10% that is holding back from true potential. I don’t want to be 70 yrs old, still reliant on PMO, and miserable with what could have been. I want to become a better person, and that opportunity is here for me to take it. I understand that the road ahead is still going to be bumpy, but this next step should take me in the right direction.