I (39F) have been seeing/dating a new person called L, (28M@ 3 months ) while my primary, R (40M@ 11 years), has been getting used to the new changes. We have a Don't ask don't tell situation so R doesn't like to discuss any plans but wants to be informed up front. I have been using a calendar to mark off "Me time" which means I go see L for the night. I stay over most times as he lives about 40 mins from my home ( and I don't like driving at night)..

At first the NRE was intense and I knew I would fall for his energy, but now I'm starting to access the situation more.. now that I have spent some time with both L and R.

L of course loves this situation but is hard to read.. we have talked about having a long term arrangement but when I first met him I said NSA type of arrangement. He is super affectionate and loves to cuddle and I feel like I am falling for him.. I told him this already knowing full well he has never experienced love yet ( hasn't had a girlfriend for longer then 3 months either) We joked about red flags, we are not seeing anyone else, and we are fluid bonded now as well. I have seen his messy side, he has seen me without makeup ( acne flair up) and we are still excited to see each other.

I want a relationship with L and don't know how to discuss the issue recently, as L has started saying stuff like " I'm a good host". I'm not in too deep yet but I'm starting to second guess what his feelings/intentions are.. I know he wants to experience more sexual interation with me and others so I know he's open to poly but is likely a mono type like my primary. How do you have a conversation about this without coming across anxious or needy.. I just want to be one the same page and I am trying to be more clear with my communications. Or should I just let go, and see where things go naturally? I have issues with anxiety that I'm trying to work through so I'm more inclined to just see what another couple months will be like.. any advice for secondary conversation about wanting a relationship?

Now the flip side..R and I had discuss this being mainly a sexual only type of relationship. He is not comfortable with me being "couple like" with another else. He is very much mono type and he knew my previous background upfront ( ex husband and I were swingers for 80% of our 13 year relationship) so he has know I have a different relationship with sex then he does. I can totally separate love and sex because I did it for years with my ex, but I don't want to with L and that's the issue. I need to communicate that I want to see L for long term and that I want to have a relationship with him.. I don't know if this is a deal breaker for R, but it might be.. whats the best approach for this conversation? I know this will trigger his insecurities and want to be as respectful and empathic as possible..

I have learned that poly is definitely something that I gravitate towards.. I want to experience as much as life has to offer and learn from new partners and these experiences (good or bad). How do I tell R that this is who I am? It's taken me years to get here through depression, 3 therapist later, medication and now finally happy again. I think I finally understand what I want and need in life.. but how to communicate it to others.. how do you tell your family??

Help a newbie out ❤