(She/her) Sorta long cause I rarely/ never post and y'all don't know me. I dont think there's any TW/CW, but call me out if there is.

Feeling massively backslid on all my emotional polya skills. Only been intentionally practicing since last August (solo polya) and its been a battle with expected FOMO, jealousy, insecurity, undoing cultural programming, etc. Read the books, did the work. Not perfect, but manageable. Progress. Happiest when everyone had 2 partners. Then one by one, all my relationships ended, leaving me with a single human.

Not being able to see people/develop new relationships during these times has me clinging to the only established person I have (he/him, also solo polya) and it feels SUPER unhealthy. Like monogamy, dependency. Exacerbated by a well developed dynamic where a level of dependency is engrained. Shame over these previously handled feelings coming back so strongly.

I know a big dose is coming from him still seeing in person one of his other partners in addition to me (endless risk discussions here, everyone is aware and consenting, dont bother commenting on this bit). Not at all blaming them for their choices. Just...

I have little attention/affection coming from elsewhere. 99% of my other friends and romantic/sexual interests have NPs they are spending more time with. For the most part, their communication with me has significantly decreased. I try to reach out, even going so far as to directly say 'hey, I am requesting attention'. More often than not they are busy with their person/hobbies/work/whatever. It's a very childish mindset - They get to have more than me, so I'm jealous and irritated and percieve that I'm being neglected. It feels astoundingly unfair that I ethically/morally can't see anyone else in person due to being a frontline healthcare worker, which adds its own stressors into the mess. I'm even upset that my chronically flakey friend is, well, flakey. It's a fact I have long come to peace with, but with everything else going on it's now almost intolerable. Guilt, because I know most everyone is struggling to adjust right now.

I lurk, a lot. Whenever people are having these kinds of feels the advice is the same. 'Invest time in yourself, be kind to yourself, dig down your feelings, distract with hobbies, communicate your feelings, etc'. I'm TRYING but just cant seem to find my ground. Theres nothing but seemingly endless time with myself. I'm not gaining traction. Frustrated, emotional, lonely, and a little scared of how big these feels are. In the darker moment I wonder if I've made a terrible mistake pursuing polya. Afraid of being a disappontment/failure to others, as I already feel like one to myself. Got a complex about handling my own stuff and not pulling others into my emotional needs, which makes it hard to communicate all this this in a way that feels good.

I don't even know what to ask for, from you all or anyone else. Solidarity? Skills? Resources? Or even if I need anything at all except to get it out of my head and make it tangible.

Thank you for reading.