So I think at this point that I can say my partner and I are officially having relationship problems.

At the moment, I'm feeling really hurt because his parents bought us a gift (art). The art didn't make it in time for Christmas, though it came a few days after. We were going to put it in one of our guest rooms (that we have a guest coming to stay in tomorrow). It sounds like (I don't know this 100% for sure) that after I left (I am traveling for work) that he and my metamour opened the art gift together to get it arranged in the guest room before the guest got here.

I was really, really touched and excited when his parents got us the gift, as it was really something that spoke to both of us and would go really well somewhere in our guest room. When it arrived, I was surprised that we didn't open it immediately, but we also had a bunch of friends visiting for the holidays (his parents left the day after Christmas, then a bunch of friends came to stay through New Years), so I thought maybe he didn't seem inclined to open it in front of friends.

Now it seems that he and my metamour (who I used to really adore, and now still like, but am just feeling a bit burned out on for a host of reasons, many of which are not her fault) opened it and decided where to put it. I think the placement is awful. I'm also hurt that it was opened without me there to see it and enjoy the unboxing of it.

I told my partner that I feel kinda hurt that it was opened without me and put up without me and he said he thought the priority was to just get up art in that room. BUT (and I pointed this out to him) we HAVE several pieces of art already for that room that we'd been waiting to put up.

I feel like he's been really thoughtless and he's definitely struggled with depression for a long time. He's been in therapy for a few years now, and he recently opened up about how much of his therapy has to do with me, specifically figuring out how to cope with my physical pain issues and increased anger. I am definitely getting angrier more often, which I think is a combo of perimenopause and just being done acting like I'm not angry when I am. And FTR, when I'm angry, I'm not angry at him. I've never called him names or cursed him out, or been physically (or mentally or emotionally) menacing. What I'm talking about it say, I forgot to make a note for myself to pick up a medication. Because I forgot to do that, I didn't get it, and now I can't get the medication for 4 days because it's compounded at a boutique place my pain management doc likes to use and I won't be able to make it to for a few days. So I'm cursing at a not-quiet volume (not screaming, but definitely raising my voice to a loud volume) about what an idiot I am and how I really fucked up something important that's going to cause me to be in more pain for the next four days. But I said absolutely nothing towards HIM like "how could you not remind me?" or "this is your fault". This is totally about me being mad at me for screwing up.

In contrast, two of his most recent exes have been mentally and emotionally abusive and manipulative as well as done things like scream at him, call him names, and say horribly hurtful shit about him. Those relationships scarred him, and lately it feels like my (what I think is fully justified) anger and frustration is getting getting lumped in with the personally-attacking him anger that his previous partners directed at him.

I'd like to know first off, if I sound crazy for being hurt that this gift was opened and arranged without me.

And second, I'd like to know if anybody had a partner going to therapy who you thought was going for their own problems, but then found out they seem to be avoiding talking about their problems and are instead talking about yours. What did you do about that?

I thought that therapy would really help him and our relationship, and so far it seems like his personal therapy is just a place for him to ignore his problems and focus on mine.

We did start couples therapy about a month ago, so we're still in the beginning stages there, but at least I have that as a place to bring up some of this stuff and talk it out, because this relationship is starting to feel really sad and painful and miserable to me. I am working really hard on myself (I have the DBT Skills Workbook open on my laptop as I write AND I am looking into meditations to deal with anger and pain, as well as going to bring this to my therapist next week), but I'm starting to feel like I'm half-wasting my time, because my partner doesn't seem to actually be working on himself at ALL, or only very minimally.