https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/9378jc/im_really_done_doing_emotional_labor_for_other/

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/9fb01z/polyamory_isnt_always_about_relationships/

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First, those posts have some history about my partner's relationship with someone named Cindy.

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TLDR: Cindy was emotionally destructive/bordering emotionally abusive, not at ALL comfortable with polyamory, and I increasingly wanted nothing to do with her, as she kept having some kind of emotional blow-up every few months where she held their relationship hostage and there was crying and misery on both ends until she got over it enough to want to continue, until the next blow-up. Partner broke up with her about 3 months ago, and I'll probably write about that sometime soon, as they're talking again, and probably going to try again in a few months - this will be the FORTH time they've tried to have a relationship together, as there was one previous attempt I was unaware of, and my feeling right now is that I really don't understand why he's doing this, BUT hey, it's his life and as long as he understands that right now I want nothing to do with her (and he understands that), then I can live with it.

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Anyways, taking us back to....October, I think around the beginning of October. One time when Cindy was visiting, Partner started a 3 way text between us about some stuff. So then Cindy had my phone number, and I had hers, which I genuinely don't mind (I actually have strong feelings about exchanging contact into with metas so that if something really bad happened to our shared partner, we could contact each other about that). Cindy then texted me a little bit, and at that point, while I didn't welcome it, it seemed (from things Partner had said) like maybe she was mellowing a bit and perhaps adjusting to polyamory, so I felt OK doing a little friendly texting back and forth. It was mostly of the "Here's an article I thought you'd like" or "Here's a great cat photo" type of communication, though we did also do a little bit of talking.

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One particular day, we were doing more actual chatting than normal, and it was going well. I do see (and always have) the things that make Partner attracted to her. She's very smart, witty, and fun to talk to. So we're chatting and I'm kind of tentatively thinking "Well, her talking to me seems like a sign that she's feeling more comfortable with polyamory. " when I get to work and message my partner just to say 'hi' and see if he's up yet (he works nights often, so sleeps longer than I do). He says he is up, but that he's very, very sad and thinks that his relationship with Cindy might be over. I'm floored, and ask him why. He says that the two of them have been fighting for the past hour, and he thinks that they're going to have to break up.

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It honestly kind of stuns me that she is cheerfully chatting away with me while having a big fight with our shared partner. SHE initiated the contact that morning, so it's not even like she wasn't texting me and I started and she would have felt weird about saying something to me about the fight. AND from what Partner said, their fight started BEFORE she started chatting with me, so mid-fight, she just decides to start texting me to chat?! What. The. Fuck!?!

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I wonder if anybody has any insight on this. Once he told me, I didn't respond to her. And our text had been very back-and-forth - she texts me once, I respond, she responds, etc. After I didn't respond to her, she never texted me again.

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They made up from that fight, but broke up a week or two later.

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Anyways, I've occasionally mulled this over, and I still don't have any concrete thoughts on it, other than "I don't like it". I completely do not understand texting your meta in a friendly wait a bit after starting a fight with your shared partner (she very much started the fight). We have no relationship whatsoever, other than because of partner. It just seems really weird and I honestly can't think of a reason for it - I mean, maybe she just decided to keep being friendly, but it seems like a really odd time to decide to keep being friendly.

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Does anybody have any thoughts on this?

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