My partner just got back from a weekend with his other partner, Cindy.

Cindy is "trying" to be polyamorous for Partner.

Cindy and Partner have known each other for over 10 years and always been attracted to each other (though she's always been mono and he's always been poly). Around 7 years ago, they did a FWB thing when neither of them was dating, fell in love, neither of them told the other, and when Partner ended up starting to date his abusive ex, Partner and Cindy stopped doing FWB and their relationship got really rocky and shitty. She regularly (for the past 5 years) would contact him, they'd talk for days/weeks/months before the subject of their break up came up again, and she'd blow up at him and what a horrible person he was and how he treated her like shit, and that she never wanted to talk to him again. Rinse, repeat. For 5 years.

He finally told her last year that that had to stop. He says they had a long, emotional talk about it, and finally she got all her feelings sorted out, and that part of their relationship was over.

A few months ago, she moved from halfway across the country from us to a 4ish hours away. She also broke up with the monogamous boyfriend she's been dating the whole time after she & Partner stopped seeing each other. It's worth nothing that she broke up with her boyfriend AFTER finding out that Partner was available to date.

Now, Partner and Cindy are dating. They're in love. They see this being a very long term relationship. Like maybe the rest of their lives.

But Cindy is very uncomfortable with polyamory. It really bothers her. Since they started dating, she visited us for one weekend, and afterwards, Partner told me that she was massively uncomfortable the entire time we (the three of us) spent time together watching an action movie and chatting. Cindy has extreme anxiety. Cindy has done a lot of self-harming. Cindy self-medicates with alcohol. Cindy has NOT seen a therapist about her many problems, though partner is encouraging her to.

The rest of the summer, Partner has done all the leg-work (and money-spending) to visit Cindy. They've had a lot of really passionate, fraught talks about how uncomfortable she is with polyamory. Partner things it is just the BEST sign that she's always very clear that SHE has discomfort and never asks him to stop being polyamorous. I think that's just the best sign that she's not a moron and understands that asking him to end his 5 year relationship with his wife who he owns a house with is going to be a no-go. At least right now.

I am not at all afraid of him leaving me for her. I've had my plan B (and plans C through Z14) figured out for years.

What I am concerned about is if/when Cindy's discomfort with polyamory translates into a request (or requests) for me to do more of the emotional labor, or to be "more understanding" or to be "the bigger person" because she's sooooooo very uncomfortable. I have yet to hear news about her buying books on polyamory, joining a local group for it, or joining an online forum about it. I have yet to hear of her looking for a poly-friendly therapist (or any therapist at all) to talk to. She did go on a date once, in June, to try it out. Because of course, the first thing she thought of, in terms of making sure everything was "equal" and "good" was going on a date herself. It didn't sound like she really wanted to, or even really liked the person. She just wanted to see if she could, and since she did that the one time, no more dates.

I have serious health problems. Every time Partner goes to visit her, that puts a LOT of burden on me, in terms of house and pet care. While he's gone, I have to do all the work. When he's back, he does a lot of the work, but nowhere near all of it. I run a Burning Man theme camp. I have work stress. I have a new (emotional) therapist I'm going to, for EMDR, because I probably have PTSD and my emotional disturbances from past trauma are now manifesting as nerve pain at times. This causes my health problems to stay worse for longer, and has made me very physically weak. So now that I know that that is a thing that my body can do (and has done), I'm working on fixing it.

I have absolutely zero interest in going out of my way to help someone who currently feels like they "just barely tolerate" Partner being polyamorous. That makes me feel like I am barely tolerated myself, and that's a shitty feeling to have.

So far, Partner hasn't asked me any favors or anything. But there is a wedding in a few weeks and Cindy will be coming to stay with us for the weekend then. I am waiting to see if any favors are asked of me and debating preemptively saying something like "While I will be the kind, generous, reasonable person that I always am when I'm around Cindy, I will not be doing anything further to ease her emotional burdens. If her coming is contingent upon us doing anything majorly different when she's here (limiting touching, you spending 95% of your attention on her), then this isn't going to work and she's going to have to stay somewhere else in the city." (she has plenty of friends here, so that wouldn't screw her over in any way).

I have realized that I am pissed that Partner is trying to have a long-term emotional commitment with Cindy. I know that Cindy ultimately wants to live with Partner. But Cindy hates our city and loves the one she's in. She's already said that she feels extremely uncomfortable in our house, because it's OUR house. I asked Partner "Did you tell her that if she ever did consider living here, we'd be fully willing to renovate, repaint, rearrange, get rid of furniture, buy new furniture, basically do everything in our power to start from scratch and make this home feel like hers?" He said yes, he did, but she just shook her head and said none of that would work. She also doesn't feel comfortable living with all the pets we have; too much emotional work for her. And despite the fact that if SHE moved to OUR city, she'd make a lot more money, and if Partner moved to HER city, he'd go from making more than enough money, to having a hard time making enough money, he's considering if it would be feasible for him to start living with her part-time/move to her city some day (Her city has exactly 0 jobs in my specialized job industry, so I would NOT be moving there).

I suspected, from Partner's last (abusive) relationship, that he has a white knight complex. Watching this unfold, now I'm sure he does. I know he's been holding a torch for this woman for a long time, but the idea that he's willing to entertain all these thoughts after a few months of dating her again is just...I'm shocked. I'm a little heart-broken. And I'm on my guard that eventually he's going to start asking favors of me, things that I have zero interest in doing.

Am I being unreasonable here? I am still getting all my thoughts and feelings together, and haven't said much to him yet, other than that I understood everything he was sharing with me. Nothing has been asked of me yet.

But I have such a bad feeling about this. And I feel terrible thinking this way, but after the shitty way she treated him before, well, I doubt that's all done now, and suspect that at the first major bump in the road, her shitty ways will come back. I just REALLY hope that all the therapy he's done the past few years will pay off, and that he won't fall into another abusive relationship again. I don't have the strength to deal with that.

Any thoughts or ideas on any of this, even just a "I understand why you're worried" would be hugely helpful.

EDITED to say THANK YOU ALL! I have tears in my eyes, because all this discussion is really helping me to find where my exact problems are, and it is intensely relieving to feel like I'm getting a grasp on the parts of this that don't actually bother me, and the ones that are serious problems.

THANK YOU!!!