Hi! I'm a 23yr old female, currently studying in a university with a course aligned in a medicine field. So, It's my first time entering a polyamory relationship. I've only been into two monogamous relationship before and I think I didn't take them seriously because we're still young. Recently, I've entered a polyamorous relationship(as a curious girly) but it also didn't last long. We broke up because of his health issues, arguments about lack of communication, time, and emotional connection. I was sad because I really wanted them/him to become my future partner.

Btw, it was our summer break, I met them on a dating app. We'll call them M(41) and I(25). M(41) is american and I(25) is a Filipina. Me and M(41) talked for like a week on a messaging app and dated them for like four times. At first, we didn't really click that much(especially with I(25) the wife/gf? I don't see any ring) as it was my first time dating people and letting someone enter into my life again. We were awkward for the first night. Or at least that's what I felt with I(25) because the vibes were really off. We went to cinema(M(41) held my hand and touched me) then after that we planned to play bowling, but it was already late, so we decided to go home and spend the night at their house. I didn't really talk that much the entire time we're together(as an introvert), but I tried to be as engaging as possible whenever they're asking about something. I even tried to initiate a conversation with I(25) by asking if it's okay to stay at their house but it also didn't end the way I wanted it to haha

After that date, I concluded that there's no second date that's gonna happen because I thought they didn't like me(especially the gf). But me and M(41) continued talking and he made it clear that he like me and wanted me so bad. Then we went to our second date, but this time it's a chill date. When I arrived to their place(they're located in somewhere in Central Luzon while I'm located somewhere in Northern Luzon) he asked me if it's okay to just stay at their house, watch movies, and chill with them. I don't have a choice but to agree even though I travelled 3-4 hours just to meet them, it was Sunday that day, too( it was supposed to be their rest day) Besides, it was also raining hard and I also felt guilty kasi our first date didn't end well.

So instead of going home, I still went to them haha. We watched netflix, ate ramen, and drank a little bit of soju. I was finally having the courage to talk to them(which is also an effect of the soju) and let my guard down. And I think we had fun, especially me and M(41), but the vibe with I(23) was still a bit off :(. After that, me and the M(41) went to bed together. We made out and he guided my hand to his area, I sucked him even though I have no idea what I'm doing. We were like that for a few mins then suddenly, I(25) entered the room, upset, and told to me to get out of their room. I followed her and went out of the room, even though I'm quite intoxicated and feel dizzy. I went to my room then immediately went to sleep. I heard them arguing but I didn't mind anymore because I was kind of tipsy and a lil bit sleepy.

After a few mins or hours, I(25) was knocking the door to my room. As a kind courtesy, I opened the door even though I really wanted to sleep. We spoke, she apologized with how she acted, and explained what was the reason why she acted that way. She told me that she was a bit upset because their dog bit her fav grey pants bought from a famous brand, and she was also a bit shocked with what she saw(me giving head to his bf). I told her that it was okay, and that I didn't really mind. After that, we hugged each other and she even offered to stay by my side lol haha. But for some reason, I declined and just told her to stay by M(41) side.

Morning came and with all the happenings that went that night, a sane person would immediately want to go home. So I did. M(41) and I still talked but not that often anymore. He didn't mention what happened that night and didn't say sorry haha

Anyway, there were times that he's giving mixed signals. One day, he's really into me. But most days, he's a bit off and cold. This time, we started having arguments about his lack of time and communication. But I just brushed it off since we're still dating and everytime I address him about this matter, he's always just saying that everything's fine.

Fast forward to our 3rd date, it was just us two(me & M(41)). I didn't bother asking him where I(25) was. I just wanted to spend time with him. The original plan was to go somewhere outside their city, ride his big bike, and spend time together. But it didn't happen because he's such a busy person. So, we went out to eat at a mall and checked in at a hotel near his work(he's a CEO btw). That day, we had agreements about giving myself to him(I'm a virgin) and at first, I was hesistant because I'm still not sure about what relationship we do have and I'm a traditional girly. I want my husband to be the one to have me. But at the same time, I really like this person – I know to myself that I genuinely like him, I don't want to lose him, and I see potential in him. So I gave myself. But at the end, I was just disappointed because I really thought that first times were supposed to be slow, fun, euphoric, and sensual. Turns out it didn't really feel that way. He didn't even make me cum.

That was the time where it all went downhill. He frequently became cold, always ignoring my messages, and won't talk to me for days. It made me frustrated and feel things I shouldn't. I was extremely down and sad that time to the point that I couldn't even eat for days. Then it turns out M(41) and I(25) agreed to not see me again. They were already arranging to meet someone new again. How did I know? I made a fake profile on that dating app, he took that bait, and arranged meeting without knowing that it was me whom he was talking hahaha.

I was so devastated because I gave my all to him thinking that by doing it, it will make him stay. He even promised me that he'll rent me a condo in Makati so that we'll see each other everytime he's there. I believed everything that he said. But he lied. I was too immersed with my feelings to him, I was blinded and dumb to not notice that he's just making a fool out of me...

We still message each other, but it became infrequently because he's already talking to my other profile(the fake one) 😁. I wanted to be the karma that they deserve, so I did. I agreed to them seeing me. He even asked my fake profile to go with him along with his wife/gf in Boracay(which fueled my emotions more because he never did that to me in the course of our relationship or whatever it was). So I stood them up.

After I stood them up(using my fake profile), he messaged me and explained why he was ignoring me for days. He said that his wife doesn't want to see me anymore. But he want to work things out with me because he like me so much, but this time, we'll do it in secret. Blah, blah, blah. So as part of my plan, I agreed to what he said. We constantly messaged each other again. But I(25) saw that we're still contacting each other even though she said to cut ties with me. M(41) said that they had arguments that lasted for days. That she was really upset about us. And I understood that they want space, so I gave it to them.

M(41) and I didn't spoke for days. I became busy with school and life. But there was a little bit hope in me that we can still have a chance to make it right. To do it right this time. Then one day, M(41) contacted me and he said that they already made amends and that I(25) agreed "again" to see me. But this time, it was just M(41) and I will have a real relationship. She will just be there as a big sister or as a guide to us. I was happy. Genuinely. I won't deny that. I'm happy that I will see him again, will get to hold his hand, and kiss him again.

So we went on our fourth and last date. Funny right? It was fun date even though it was still a netflix, chill, and fuck date. I thought we'll have more dates. I had high hopes that this time, we'll really make it right. But I think, we weren't really suitable. We separated ways "again" . But this time, it was for real. The reason we broke up was his illness came back and became worse. I don't know if that's true or not. But idc anymore. I already decided that I should let him go. Besides, through the course of our relationship, it was just lies, lack of time and communication, manipulations, and etc. And I don't want to stay with that kind of relationship. It hurts, yes. But I have no choice. I want real, loving, and genuine relationships. And I guess he really can't give me that...

I just shared this because I still think about it up until this day. It still affects hurts to think about it. I just wanted to release it because I have no one to talk to and it's kind of upsetting me to the point that I couldn't eat. I'm still in the process of moving on...

I'm up to any thoughts that you have about this. I'll also accept criticism, so feel free hahaha 😅