TL;DR: Wife finally admitted today that her other partner has become her emotional support person, the person she turns to when she's in a rough spot. All on the day prior to her having surgery, and asking for her other partner to be able to take her to surgery and me not be there or at home. I agreed for her, and I'm just hurting.

I'll try to keep this short, as I'm hurting and just need some support. We've been married for 9 years, together for 10 years. We started out monogamous for 8 years, transitioned to LS/Swinger for 2, and now have transitioned to Poly for the last 5 months. She fell in love with a solo partner, and I supported her in it. We didn't have an easy transition. We've fought a lot, as she has struggled with me having any additional partner. I struggled with how much things changed without setting any expectations from LS (things were very structured) to poly (nothing was set initially). We've kept pushing through because we love each other so much and we both are stubborn.

Fast forward 5 months and tomorrow she has a surgery. A couple weeks ago I said I'd be ok with me, her, and her boyfriend all going to the surgery together, and him staying at our house with us to help her out. I have a work trip 2 days later, so it's good she has him to help her out. Today, she asked me if she can have him take her to the surgery (me not go). She admits this is selfish. We have a discussion and I tell her I have felt replaced as her primary for a long time, and she has just not admitted it. She says she sees him as her emotional steady place. She somewhat admits he's filled a lot of her needs emotionally (and physically because she's physically disconnected with me lately). I explained that I felt that we have just become nesting partners, and he has replaced me as her primary (really he's her anchor partner). And if the roles were reversed, she would insist that I be her primary and would cause WW2 if I ever asked for such a thing, assuming I was ever able to have another partner that she didn't kill out of jealousy/anger.

I was selfless and said he could take her. Then after I agreed to it, she says shes got to figure out where to stay. I was like, what do you mean, we can all stay here? I just ask you sleep in the same bed as me when I'm home prior to my work trip. She says emotionally she just can't handle us both in the same place right now. So in the span of a day, I've gone from thinking I was going to go with her to surgery, potentially with her other partner, and then all of us come home to take care of her for 2 days, to suddenly I'm not involved at all and I'm headed to a hotel to make her more comfortable. She says she wants to get back to where I'm her primary and she feels emotionally secure with me, but right now he is that for her.

It sucks because I've been there for all of her surgeries since we've been together for 10 years (there have been several). And tonight I'm alone in a hotel room hurting because I am doing what she needs, but I just don't know how to feel. I'm hurt and feeling helpless and like I'm not good enough anymore.