My NP is dating a sweet girl who has been with her NP for 6 years. They’re both experienced in polyamory. I’ve met her a few times but our connection is platonic and I’m totally fine with that.

Recently, she suggested the four of us meet, since her NP had seen me briefly before and was curious to talk (he already knew my NP). However, the meeting didn’t go well.

Her NP mentioned that he never refers to her as his partner in public to “keep his options open,” which I found troubling, but she confirmed she was okay with it.

Then, he started bragging about his BDSM dates and his enjoyment of degrading women, which triggered me due to childhood trauma. I tried not to overreact, to each their own, though I made it clear it wasn’t my thing, but he kept talking about it.

He also kept trying to sit next to me, even as I tried to sit close to my meta. It seemed like he had no attention for her at all. At one point, he suggested my NP and their girlfriend walk the dog together, but my NP noticed I wasn’t comfortable and stayed with me.

Later, he invited himself over, hinting that he and I could sleep together while my NP and his girlfriend used the other room. It felt like he was treating their relationship as a way to gain access to me—like an implied exchange.

He also commented on my outfit, saying he was disappointed I wasn’t wearing a ‘more feminine’ dress like before, which made me feel objectified. We hadn’t raised an expectation to anything sexual (though we’re not inherently opposed to this) but it caught me off guard.

When they finally left, his gf looked sad. The next day, she asked to come over but seemed really upset and refused to talk about it. Even now, during her dates with my NP, she avoids discussing it, though their relationship seems fine.

I’m wondering—did I mishandle this situation? Is there anything I could or should do to help her feel better? I didn’t mean to offend them or trouble her relationship with my NP.