My boyfriend is going through two crises- his own, and his wife’s. These are big life event crisis things - she’s grappling with a health diagnosis, and he’s been unemployed for almost a year and the effect of that is crushing him.

So the stress load at their household is IMMENSE.

It makes it really challenging when I have relationship stuff to work out with my boyfriend- because my little needs arise when boyfriend’s capacity has already been tapped out by his own crisis and by comforting his wife with hers.

I am struggling to know how much to ask for myself in this difficult time. I’m shoving down my own needs too often. Boyfriend is carrying so much stress, if I wasn’t so in love with him I’d think maybe it’s not a great time for us to be dating. I’m so much in the supporter role. I can usually get what I need back, but sometimes his capacity for returning comfort or care is really tapped out. And fair enough!

It leaves me not know what to do. And it’s impacting my marriage- I want to show up for my hubby, happy and whole, without shouldering the stress of boyfriend’s life, AND having nowhere to go with my boyfriend-related-needs other than friends or a counsellor.

Sigh. I’m not sure how to navigate this. Leaving boyfriend doesn’t feel like the right choice, but objectively I’m seeing that this relationship hurts me on the regular due to my needs being missed at times. I’m a clear communicator and boyfriend is a caring person. I think it’s simply that one human can only carry so much stress.

Anyone been there?