Hello everyone, I (f20) am new to reddit, I've been reading around here for a bit now and I have a problem that doesn't seem to get resolved. This is my story of what was before, what is now and what am I supposed to do in the near future.

I've met my partner (m21), let's call him H, a year and a half ago at uni in the UK. I am en EU student myself, he's English. It was no normal relationship, somehow we managed to get together by talking, then maybe 2 weeks later we first had sex and since then we have a healthy sex life as well as loving each others company, sharing thoughts, holding discussions or just being together. We haven't really done any wooing or the typical stuff before starting a relationship and I liked it that way. At one point he mentioned that he is a type of person that would like to love more people romantically at the same time (none of us knew the term polyamory back then) and I didn't feel very comfortable about that idea as I am monogamous person. At that time though he said that he is happy with me and the relationship we have together and that he won't be looking for new partners intentionally. We left it at that and didn't really bring the topic back for the time being.

Fast forward to this year after Christmas break. I live with my childhood friend in a flat while he lives with friends of both of us in a house. After I get back I have this nagging feeling that something is off, that our relationship is does not feel the same as it did before. Unfortunately, that seemed like time for almost everyone there to have their own significant problems to surface as well and I became a really good friend (and H too) and a support for my now very cherished friend (f19-20), let's call her J. Suddenly I find H spending a lot of time with J, night talks and some more. I found myself spending less and less quality time with H, on many occasions I found myself falling asleep alone (I was spending virtually all my nights in his house) and getting woken up at 3-4am to H climbing to bed and wanting to make love to me. That was about as much that we did together.

We had a few talks with me getting upset about it, being jealous, feeling left out, not enough, just pretty much worthless. The fact that my self-confidence is terrible and I am insecure about almost all things involving me doesn't help the situation either.

One day H says to me that he is falling in love with J but that I should not be afraid, our relationship is still the same and nothing will change except for him spending a bit less time together. We read together articles about polyamory on e.g. morethantwo and others that I don't remember. I got jealous of the fact that even though H doesn't like to show affection in public, he has no trouble showing it with J in a room with his housemates, that he was talking to her way more than to me and it all felt like I was there only for the sex (btw. it makes it easier for H to fall asleep afterwards).

I felt pretty shit starting Easter. H is a very trusted person in the house, he's also in the last year of uni, and everyone including me were dumping our minds and feelings at him on top of the work that he has but has trouble to actually start it. Our talks get more emotional and it just ends up with me upsetting myself until I cry and H reassuring me that he still loves me, that I am beautiful, that he enjoys our relationship but I cannot find it in myself to trust that when I know I'm not someone that will do. Not on my own. That's what was upsetting me the most. Me being not enough (in numbers) for him to be really happy.

There were times when I found myself being almost the same amount happy as I used to be and also fine with the idea of our relationship going open. We discussed rules, what will I need to do, what he will need to do. But everytime it got somewhere near the actual thing I would panic so much I would sob on his chest for half an hour and beat myself up mentally about not being able to give him the relationship he wants, that I know will make him even more happy.

Now to go off for a bit. About J: J is an awesome person and as the saying goes the happiest people are usually the ones who usually need the most help themselves. She is one of them. She is my dearest friend, she's lesbian, she also has trust issues and one very significant issue that I cannot tell but her sharing this issue with me brought us more together. It was a miracle when she actually admitted that me and H managed to get past all the barriers she's set up and that we are the only people she considers real friends. Even though she's lesbian, she's a virgin, never been in a relationship and would like to at least give it a shot with PIV sex. The only person she would trust enough with this is H.

Recent development is that when I was sleeping in my flat after a particularly shitty day, they slept together in one bed (no sex, we've done this 2 times before, the 3 of us, I never slept fine) and H told me about it the next night, just mentioning it in the conversation of how the day had been. My stomach felt like it suddenly lost its bottom and I felt cold all over, good mood gone.

It looks like they talked more and are considering taking it to the next level. J wants to speak to me about it, if I'm fine with it otherwise she won't do anything. When I was texting with her today about it, I felt physically sick and thought I would throw up in the middle of the lecture I was in. Both of these feeling passed however but I still find myself thinking about everything, being happy, sometimes even excited about the idea and next moment I know I'm feeling down, depressed and not know what to do.

Some additional info includes: We've broken up a couple of weeks ago, I was the one who went back to him after 2 days of reconsidering and truly believing I will be able to change my ways so I can accept H having more partners, respect those relationships and maybe even be happy for them. The monogamous relationship was officially over (even though I didn't really know I was pushing him into pretending to be monogamous) and we are together now in a polyamorous relationship.

Every other night (3 nights now) I had dreams in which I saw H being with J or other default partners in situations I'd rather not see and been waking up numb to the mind.

H is the most truthful, honest, reliable and loving person I've ever met. He's never treated me badly, never insulted me (unless it was just teasing), he always cared for how I felt and been supportive of me. He is doing his best to help me improve my self-confidence and make me feel secure and loved. But the idea of him being in such a deep relationship we have with other people makes me feel terrible, both because I know he deserves the relationship he wants and because I am not making any progress in providing it for him. I love him very much and he's already become a huge part of my life and cannot see myself not sharing my life and love with him.

Am I sick to my mind or something?

I cannot even tell anymore what I feel, I'm just feeling something in my stomach, this numbness that goes away when I'm with him but comes back full force when I'm not.

For about 3 nights already I had dreams starring H with either J or other fictional partners in situations I would much rather not see and left me waking up to weird moods even though I knew it was just a dream. It felt like a real possibility.

I am at my wits end as this has been going on through my mind for about a month and a half, I cannot find a way to not think and I think it's driving me crazy since I want to be what he deserves and not this emotional mess I've become. He makes me think like I'm at home, the actual home people refer to when they say your home is where your heart is and it's the best thing ever.

Please, dear redditors, can you help me?

Sincerely, Anonym626

P.S.: H is registered here as H_partner and will most probably contribute to the discussion, he has read the whole of it already. (edited)