Hi all, a few months back my partner (F42) offered me (M53), we've been together 8 months) that I could collar her for an event. She said she really wanted to give this to me, just as a one off. I was honoured and beyond excited. She said she had to check with her other partner who's her Dom (M40), they've been together 2 years. I felt a little uneasy about this as they are not master slave, but it was important to her. The next day she changed her mind and didn't want to do it. I was super upset as I felt like she should not have offered something so significant without thinking it through first. I felt kind of devalued or secondary tho she's poly anarchist.

Then last night, my f partner and I were having a three way and just as it's getting started she tells me she wishes her other partner was here. This wasnt meant as to make it a foursome, it was more a she didn't want him to miss out kind of thing. But again I felt devalued or secondary.

Both times I've become upset a lot with her and, more than I should have. I think it's triggering feelings of worthlessness in me, tho I'm generally pretty good with self esteem. Also both times we've both been drunk, so on that's made thing much worse and generated way bigger feelings than the situations probably deserved.

I think in both situations I overreacted. And I also think she's saying stuff without thinking it through or considering my feelings. But am I wrong? Am I entirely the asshole here?

And also, what advice do you have for learning how to not be triggered by feeling secondary to a metamour, by a hinge partner who really is trying thier best to be anarchist poly.

EDIT In answer to how I reacted.

No yelling, but upset and pushing for explanation of why for quite sometime. In the process upsetting her to the point of crying. In both cases she apologised and in rust case explained she hadn't thought it through and didn't want to do it Afterall, and in the second case she explained she didn't mean that she preferred him over me to be there, but was just expressing the idea that he would enjoy this scenario too. Also in both cases she was deeply upset because I made her feel in trouble.

EDIT 2 In answer to does this happen often?

No. It's happened perhaps 3 times. And we otherwise have an incredibly vulnerable, open hearted and honest relationship. Very mature communication. Also in all three cases we've been drunk. So as a short term strategy I'm not going to get drunk with her to any significant extent. And in the midterm I'm going to continue self work and introspection to understand where these feelings of worthless come from. I have some idea, related to childhood trauma. And to figure out how I can interrupt the trigger mechanism and practice self soothing etc.