Edit: formatting and spelling

Typing this on my phone. Sorry if the format is off.

Partner: Jane & Meta: John

For context, John and I are not friends and have not seen each other in nearly a yr.

My partner, Jane, celebrated a life event. Her friends, family, partners gathered to celebrate her. John and I maintained our distance throughout the celebration.

As everyone was leaving, I was in conversation with one of Jane’s relatives. John interrupted to say bye to the relative. I was in the middle of saying bye to John when he blatantly ignored me and walked past me. (John confirmed it was his intention to ignore me).

I kept the incident to myself because I didn’t want to ruin Jane’s night. Days later, I told her about the incident and told her I can’t be in spaces with John anymore because I typically don’t let myself be disrespected like that. I don’t want to unintentionally ruin anyone’s time because of the issues John and I have.

She said she was sorry that happened to me and thought it was unfortunate that I would make that decision. Jane mentioned she doesn’t want to feel like she’s living separate lives. She has 3 partners and practices non-hierarchy polyamory. I said to her I understand and that it sucks she has to deal with consequences of an I nteraction she was not involved in.

It escalated into an argument about how it is unfair to her and me trying to protect my energy through the boundary.

i instead decided to take actions into my own hand and fix the situation. I texted John a very respectful saying the following

“If I seemed disrespectful to you last night, please know it was unintentional. My intention was to be cordial while keeping a respectful distance.

I attempted to say goodbye to you, as you were saying bye to Jane’s relative, but you ignored it and walked past me. Idk if Jane’s family or anyone else noticed.

It is in our best interest to be cordial with one another. Otherwise it could negatively impact our mutual friends and partners, potentially damaging our respective relationships with them.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.”

John and I cleared the air and are going to be respectful towards one another in the future.

I mentioned this to Jane and she thanked me for handling it directly with John.

Here are my questions and where I would like insight. Although I’m glad there was a resolution, there are few things that still bother me.

1. I feel Jane put her desires above a boundary i clearly stated which was not being in the same space with John. Was this an appropriate reaction by me?

2. I feel that as a hinge, this should’ve been handled by Jane rather than by me. Especially since she is the one that didn’t want to accept my boundary. Was it ok for me to reach out to John instead of Jane?

3. I feel that she didn’t have the reaction I expected. If my other partner disrespected Jane the way I was, I would’ve been outraged and called her out immediately. Jane was more upset with me because of the boundary I wanted to establish. Am I wrong in wanting her to defend me?

TLDR: Meta disrespected me front of my partner’s family. I suggested that me and my meta not be in the same space anymore as a boundary. My partner did not like that and I ended up fixing the situation. What should have happened instead?