was debating between "vent" and "support only" and I went with support because I really don't need anybody else telling me how fucking stupid I am. I'm already doing a great job on that front.

​

I told my partner (probably for the 4th time in the last few years) that I can't do this relationship anymore.

We've been together over 10 years. He has 1 other serious partner who is long distance (together 5 years). He has another person that he's dating casually locally (1ish year?). He recently started dating someone else local casually (2-3 months).

I'm not seeing anybody. I can't imagine seeing anybody. I can't imagine anybody wanting me right now.

He seems to have no time for me in his life anymore. He doesn't date me anymore. I don't want to go on dates outside of the house anymore, because that was "sustaining" us for awhile, but it was a lie. Yes, if we went out to dinner, then after a few drinks, he would become animated and interested in me, but if we have to go outside of our usual lives and he needs a few drinks to get there? Then fuck that, it's not me, it's not our relationship, it's the alcohol making it tolerable.

We used to have a kinky dynamic to our relationship, but that withered and died years ago for a couple of reasons. I developed some chronic health/pain issues that made a lot of it intolerable/unworkable. So we dialed it back and tried to find other dynamics and that didn't work. And then, he really messed up in our non-kinky life and it was impossible to look at him as a Dom because of that. So our sex life really withered. We worked through that and we were trying. Then something happened towards the beginning of this year that really upset me again and for a few weeks, I could barely look at him, much less consider having sex with him. I don't think we've had sex this year.

We've been in couples therapy for about 4 years, and we've been "working on it". But it's just the same cycle over and over. He has repeatedly acknowledged in and out of therapy that he doesn't really pay attention to me. He swears he's going to change. He changes *mildly* for a few weeks. And then it reverts back.

The thing I've been sitting on is that a week or two ago, while talking to him by his computer, I saw some of his conversation with his long distance partner. We've been talking about the long distance partner (Maple) moving in. The convo I saw was about them ramping up their kink dynamic and activities. As of now, Maple would be coming for a trial run for a month and not giving up their lease yet. We'd see how it goes after that month.

He and I have had multiple conversations (though not the 3 of us together), that I absolutely, 100% do not want, and cannot stand the idea of seeing his healthy sex life/kinky dynamic on display with his other partner. I fully admit that there is just absolutely too much painful envy there to deal with. It can be hard enough to see how attentive and engaged he is with them without that dynamic.

I wasn't supposed to see this conversation, and I looked away before I saw all of it, because it was a private conversation. It was just up on his giant computer screen, and while we were talking about something else, I looked at the screen, just because that was the direction I was looking in. Basically, once I realized that I was reading something, I looked away. And at the time, I just figured "ok, you know, if they do things in front of me that I'm not OK with, I will just tell them, 'sorry, I am not OK with this, and I don't consent to you doing it around me' and we'll take it from there".

THEN this weekend. We were supposed to have a date, but when I came home for it, he basically wouldn't engage with me. For our "date" he read a book. And then at some point, he made a comment like "oh, I feel kinda sick". Which, he did obviously have a cold or something. I don't know why I didn't have the courage in the moment to say "hey, we're supposed to be having an intimate date night, why are you reading that book?" but like, I'm trying. I'm trying to engage him and draw him into a conversation with me. I'm trying to get him to enjoy spending time with me. And I just can't. I just can't take the step of asking. It feels too much like begging.

Eventually we get into bed and he reads more and takes cold medicine and that's the "date".

Anyway, because of the date failing, we were talking the following day (Sunday) on when we could try again, which was supposed to be tomorrow (which is also couples therapy day). I asked if he had any ideas about what we could do. And he said, in this super annoyed voice "we just decided on Wednesday so no". As he was saying that, I was (stupid stupid stupidly) looking at his computer screen again (because it was directly behind him). And again, convo with Maple. Minutes before I approached him about what day to try again, they're telling each other how well suited they are for each other. Their love their sex/kink life. They're made for each other. Everything between them is so good and so easy. They're so happy together.

I remember when we had those conversations. I remember when it was so good and easy. I remember when it felt so perfect. I remember when I was sure, absolutely sure that yes, the passion would definitely fade, but what we had was SOLID and REAL and it was going to LAST. And if it didn't last? It would be OK too, because we'd grow apart like people sometimes do and we'd see it and we'd give each other the grace to let go if we couldn't make it work.

I stood there for a moment and then I thought to myself, absorbing all of that and absorbing his annoyed response to me: what am I doing? Really, what am I doing? when was the last time he actually made me feel like he cared? It kinda reminded me of the scene in Erin Brockovich where her boyfriend shows her the earrings he got her and was going to give her the next time she was nice. And six month later, he still hasn't given them to her.

I can't remember the last time this relationship felt good for more than a few hours. Because he has spent most of his time with people and things other than me. Gaming. I thought gaming addiction was the problem. I thought that when he got that under control, things would get better.

And the gaming addiction HAS gotten better. He barely games anymore. So he made room in his life to go to rope events and date someone new. And he continues to build his relationship with Maple, who is mostly a lovely person and would probably be horrified to learn about all this. I assume Maple doesn't know, because as of now, they're planning to stay a week around Halloween and I am absolutely SURE they wouldn't want to if they knew what was going on. Not to mention, for the test move-in.

I realized awhile back that I was giving him space years ago, because he had wanted space, because he was dealing with some things. And that time, when I gave him that space, that was when his relationship with Maple got serious and that time also played a significant part in deteriorating our relationship. Because when you give someone space, then they can get distant from you. And when he was grappling with some hard emotional stuff, of course the shiny new relationship is more exciting and easier to focus on than the old one that has tough stuff in it, right?

Anyways, I thought to myself, "well, what's done is done, and he's said he wants to rebuild our relationship, so it sucks that that happened, but I realized it long after it happened and it doesn't have to kill our future". That was part of what happened the first time I said I was done.

Now I'm on round 4. Needless to say, it has not gotten better. It's only gotten worse. But I'm still here. I'm still hoping he'll turn it around. I'm so fucking stupid. My self-esteem is in shambles. I don't understand. I work so hard. I try to get his attention. I do nice things for him. I buy him stuff that he loves, I treat him to things. I show him stuff I think he'd find interesting. And he just...accepts it. But doesn't do it back. Or it's like...for every 20 I do, he does 1. But everybody loves him. Everybody thinks he's so great. I thought he was so great. Most of his exes think he's so great. He's so nice and kind and attentive to literally everybody but me. So I'm trying not to, but I keep thinking, there must be something wrong with me. There must be, right? I don't know what it is, I can't figure it out, but there must be something wrong with me.

I told him months ago (and multiple times since the original time, both in and out of therapy) that if he wants to rebuild our sex life like he says he does, he needs to start making out with me again and figure out how to bite me *gently*. We used to make out for hours. I love kissing. He loves kissing. I've seen him make out with other people a ton. But he barely kisses me anymore. I've brought it up repeatedly. But he still doesn't do it. And the biting. he bites too hard. There have been times when we started to get intimate, and then he bites me too goddamn hard and suddenly I'm totally not turned on again AND I'm tense and stressed. Because he's bitten me too hard SO MANY TIMES that I can't just shrug it off anymore.

I brought those things up again, before I said I was done. He was asking me why I don't think of more things that it would be OK for us to try and I said "why should I? I've TOLD YOU two things that would get me going. And you don't do them. Why should I think of more? Why should I do more work when there are TWO HUGE THINGS I've told you that would make a difference?"

On the kissing, he basically said "ok, that's a fair point. but if we're spending time together and you want us to make out, you should say something" and I'm like MAYBE YOU COULD WANT TO FUCKING MAKE OUT WITH ME. And also, during these times, I AM KISSING HIM. And he's kissing me back for like 1.5 seconds and the ending the kiss. IS IT NORMAL TO NEED TO ASK TO MAKE OUT UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES???

On the biting, he basically said "you know what? I've tried. I can't bite you lightly enough. so I'm just not going to do it anymore". Which honestly, felt like being slapped. Like like...ok. great. this thing we loved and did for years, and you can't lighten it up enough so that I can enjoy it again. And then I spent about half an hour biting myself like the world's most pathetic loser to just to prove to myself that yes, at least for me, it was possible to lightly bite myself in a way that felt good and sensuous.

I just need to stop, right? This isn't normal, right? I mean, maybe at one point we could have saved it, but now...am I being an asshole? Am I crazy? I will happily answer any questions anybody has if I'm unclear in some way. I feel like I'm dying every single day, just another bit by bit, and I don't understand what went wrong or why he keeps saying he loves me and he'll fix it and it just gets worse.