Earlier this year, I was approached by someone I had met briefly a few years ago, Robin, who is now engaged to Zoe and nesting with her. At the time, I was dealing with several personal issues, so I told Robin that I didn’t have the emotional capacity to explore a relationship, but I was open to being friends. Over the following months, Robin and I developed a mutual connection, and we eventually fell in love. Robin is my first love, and when they kissed me after several months, it felt like I was transported to another galaxy.

Zoe was uncomfortable with how quickly things were developing between Robin and me, particularly from Robin’s side. As a result, Robin and I were not allowed to meet spontaneously, and we agreed to stop kissing to avoid causing Zoe distress. There were several occasions where a curfew was casually imposed, because it would cause Zoe anxiety. At the start I conceded to these rules, becauseI was new to this; that is until I started reading.

I agreed to meet Zoe to address her concerns about Robin’s feelings for me. Zoe agreed and we thought I’d be great to have Robin there. While I was looking forward to having a civil conversation, she sent me a voice note that was cruel. Zoe had my number, because we all met several years ago under different circumstances. In it, she asserted that she would always be Robin’s priority and even used some of the personal hardships I had shared with Robin to suggest that I might not be in the right place for a relationship, given my fear of getting hurt.

Robin has worked hard to maintain a non-hierarchical relationship and to make me feel like a priority as well. They’ve emphasized that these things take time and are part of a process, which I understood initially. However, seven months in, I’m struggling to see how I’m supposed to wait for up to a year (with no clear timeframe) before this relationship feels like our own.

The past seven months have been incredibly stressful due to the constant shifts in our dynamic and the inconsistencies in what I’m told. Recently, one of our plans was canceled because Zoe couldn’t handle the idea of Robin and me spending two overnights together. I agreed to cancel ( reluctantly) because it was conveyed to me that Zoe’s mental health might be at risk.

As we try to repair the relationship after a series of ruptures, I’ve learned that Zoe and Robin will be taking that same trip in a few months to celebrate a milestone. This has left me feeling disheartened. After several months of saying she has nothing to apologize to me for, Zoe wants to repair our relationship, I’m unsure after what was said previously. Robin is encouraging me not to give up on him. He believes that things will eventually work out if I hold on for a few more months. Because again, these things take time ( they opened and closed 3x in the first 3/4 months).

This, however, would mean no further escalation of our relationship—we cannot meet each other’s friends or families, for example. While Robin reassures me in other ways, I’m finding that it’s not enough. I feel emotionally drained and depressed. Robin is aware that the trust between us has been damaged, and while we’re working on rebuilding it, I’m uncertain about how to proceed. I don’t know if I’m struggling because I’m not suited for polyamory or because of the particular style they are practicing. Whatever the reason, I’ve been in tears every day this week. I have struggled with depression in the past and this has caused my suicidal ideation to return. Robin does not know that I was on the brink of taking my life last year.

After enduring so much hardship in life, I hoped my first love would be different. This situation has triggered feelings of despair, and I’m unsure how to communicate to Robin that while I love them and see the future they envision for us, the events of the past several months have only deepened my insecurities. Robin is a wonderful person, and I’m grateful to know them. We’ve discussed staying in each other’s lives even if just as friends, but I fear that might be too painful for me to bear.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I wasn’t constantly unmade when I’m not treated in a way that makes me feel safe.

Maybe it’s me and I’m being judgmental. Maybe I just don’t understand, despite doing all the reading, that this slowly opening process and all the messy things in between is part of polyamory. There’s a part of me that wishes Robin hadn’t reached out, especially when neither of them did the work before opening again.