So my boyfriend (27M) and I (27FtM) had been in a fwb relationship for a couple years before we moved in together over a year ago now and made our relationship official. He’s a gay man and I’m a transman/nb with no plans for bottom surgery (just top). When we got together he didn’t know how to feel about the no dıck thing (giving oral is his favorite thing), since then he’s expressed how he doesn’t mind my body and still loves me. Since we were so open during the fwb phase he would see guys off grinder and I had a long distance bf at that time (we don’t talk to any more). After moving in together we decided to turn our relationship into a partnership. He loves me and cares about me, more than I care about myself sometimes, and is a wonderful guy with a huge heart. He stopped seeing guys off grinder and I had him (I’m an autistic homebody with zero close friends and no family support). We had a few threesomes with guys off grinder before moving in together and had talked about it after as well, though my anxiety is shot thinking about the energy it takes to set those up and do them. A while later we talked about opening the relationship since I know I can’t give him everything he wants; I’m a small introverted ball who has anxiety even going to restaurants (masking takes a lot of energy for me) while he’s a big bear of a loud omnitrovert who likes going out. I enjoy going out as well though not as spontaneously as him since it takes a lot for me to be comfortable in public. I know my own faults and am trying to do shadow work to take on those fears and limitations my brain gives me. We agreed to open the relationship and even organized a system for us, we go on 2 dates a month (one outside of the house, one inside) and have end-of-the-month check ins. During the past year he saw some guys from grinder and I tried my hand at looking as well on other apps; I went on one date and I couldn’t handle it so I stopped looking (iykyk; as a transguy people can get very weird and fetishy which makes it ten times more harder for me to just find someone chill!). When I was messaging guys my Bf mentioned how he was surprised yet not that I got multiple dudes messaging me, he said he didn’t really think deeply about the open relationship (I don’t talk to people a lot, anxiety). He didn’t mind it and was proud I was trying, though that had me confused a bit. I had a poly relationship before with an ex (I was 17 and the ex was 23 and we were together for 4 years before this happened) who started it by cheating with me before asking if we could open the relationship, so I still have some trauma from that not only from grooming but poly stuff in general. I’ve grown and learned as a human now and really don’t mind poly stuff as long as it’s done right. Any way, I stopped seeing people because of my own issues and my Bf started to get serious with his. He got together with a guy though situational stuff happened and that ended, and now he’s seeing someone and it’s gotten serious (sleepovers and meeting parents). I have a hard time processing things and the autistic logical side of my brain has made it almost impossible to deal with emotions that I can justify and be reasonable with. This is where I have a hard time. I don’t do hickies, my mouth is small and it’s just not my thing to do, I love the look of them (even bite marks) but I don’t give them. I also know hickies mean nothing, ultimately it is just another expression of interest, but the toxic societal thought of hickies being a mark of territory still lingers in my head. It’s stupid, but when I saw 3 new hickies in the span of 2 days on him it made me feel like I failed something (it’s hard to explain, thanks autism…, but it’s like seeing someone get something that you could have given them but you never would have yet you wish you did???) I get happy for my Bf when he talks about their outings together, and yet I feel bad that I can’t be that person for him to do those spontaneous outings with or be vocal about sexual stuff (they have sex about as much as we did before during our fwb phase). I feel like the parts I couldn’t do but wanted to do are being filled for him, which is what I wanted for him. I want him to be happy and not feel secluded just because of me and how I am, I want him to be able to get that D and enjoy it. I guess I’m just worried that what happened before will happen again, and even though he’s reassured me he’s not like my ex I still feel like I’m not good enough or something. We live together after all and constantly say “I love you”, I have nothing to worry about. Communication has been clear and open, I’m just having a hard time understanding my feelings. A hickie is a hickie, I never gave them before so I shouldn’t control my Bf and tell him he can’t get them. I can’t think of any reason to limit him and his endeavors as long as our relationship is still good, it’s not hurting any one and we still love each other dearly. I just can’t process why it makes me sad; I haven’t given him one for a long while and have no interest in it so it’s not jealousy or envy. He doesn’t have extreme interest in something like that so it’s not something special or extreme. I literally don’t know how to feel! I kind of wish they were mine but also know I don’t have interest in doing that, so why be upset for that. I can’t find any reason in my head for this emotion, to get this weird sinking feeling out of my chest. I’m happy he is happy and we’re both okay in the relationship, so why do I feel sorry for myself that I can’t give him what he needs when I know one person can’t give everything (especially someone like me); I guess maybe I wish I could, I know I can’t though (my body physically can’t! I don’t have those parts he likes a lot) but I wish I could be more for him.

idk..any tips or advice would be great appreciated. I feel like it’s mostly just unreasonable emotions I’m feeling atm and would like to find a way to overcome them more than just logical reasonings. Thank you 🫂