I know it sounds weird but its just this weird place im at in my head.

I experienced childhood abuse -emotional, psychological, covert sexual abuse and physical violence.

I was homeless from 17-19.

I've been diagnosed with cptsd and Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I've got an eating disorder. I cant sleep.

I've dealt with suicide attempts and self harm. I've been dealing with suicidal ideation since I was 9?. 10 at the latest.

I remember walking in on my mum after she tried to kill herself.

I remember my dad telling me he wanted to kill himself because of me. Just because i wanted to try a different anti depressant. That I was only saying I was depressed for attention.

I watched my schizophrenic mother be abused by my dad.

I watched my homophobic parents torture my brother with relentless homophobic abuse since I was 12.

I've was raped and sexually abused by my first ever boyfriend.

I've been drugged and spiked as a 16 and 17 yo.

I've dealt with debt and homophobic work environments.

I've been through all this and it makes me want to die. Cause I dont know how to live with it.

But I can't. Cause I've lived through all that and now my life is starting to settle. I cant kill myself now, what would be the point? But I dont want to be alive. So im stuck here in that cold unfeeling place between consciousness and sleep. I just wish someone would help me forget the life I've had. I wish I could let myself forget. I dont want to live the rest of my life reliving it all.

I just want to feel happy