I used to absolutely hate when my therapist or a friend would tell me that everything happens for a reason. It's pretty shitty timed advice when people say it after you just got out of a horrible situation. I think it's more useful to use in retrospect. Well, I'm using it in retrospect now, and I'm amazed. Just like everyone else, the past year has been crazy for me. There's been a lot of tears and pain, but I'm so much better off because of it.

The pandemic absolutely did not mix well with my depression and I ended up failing two semesters of college. Bummer. But, I learned how to be a better student than I've ever been in trying to get myself out of that hole I created. I struggle with perfectionism that manifests as procrastination and complete avoidance. You can't fail at something you never did! I've learned how to stop giving a fuck about failure. Oddly enough, it's resulted in a lot of success. I trust my abilities a lot more now, and now that even if I don't think my work is perfect.. I'll still probably good.

I had a full blown panic attack over doing what I thought was a shitty job on one of my exams this past semester. I put off doing it, and by the time I started I didn't have as much time to work on it as I would have liked. I put it off because I was so overwhelmed with how I'd do on it even. Which makes no sense because I didn't start it, I know. But I told myself that any grade is better than no grade and got to work. I beat myself up because I procrastinated and I wasn't happy with how I answered the questions. But... I got an A. What blew my mind more was that I scored slightly better on that exam than the next one which I worked on for days instead of 4 hours. I ended up passing all my classes, and I'll graduate this summer.

So, let's pick up another element of the plot. I lost all my friends because I chose to actually start working on myself when I entered my pit of despair that caused me to fail all my classes. I realized I avoided working on myself and fixing my issues by pouring all my time and energy into my friends. By that, I mean more than just having too much fun with them. I mean being a co-dependent people pleaser and trying to fix all their problems for them. I would be so upset if my friend was going through something and there was something they could do to fix it but weren't. Which, I have learned isn't what being a good friend means, too. People need to make mistakes and make their own choices.

My friends all left because they weren't used to me taking so much time for myself and not being there to save the day all the time. I understand because it was a big change, but I tried to communicate and they wouldn't understand. It's cool though because I realized I want relationships based on more than solving their problems and providing happiness for others who cannot make it for themselves. Because I thought being a good friend was basically being a person's superhero, I surrounded myself with people who wanted that. I downloaded Bumble BFF and was lucky enough to meet someone who introduced me to a friend group which I feel so good in!

What this also did for my life was make me realize I don't like helping people as much as I thought. My career goal was to become a therapist, but I realized I don't actually want to. Losing my friends and failing my classes made me realize that helping other people was a coping mechanism not my life passion. I dug even deeper to realize where this coping mechanism came from which is dealing with abuse as a child. Keeping other people happy made sure my needs were met.

Failing my classes also lead me to a class on social determinants of health that introduced me to another career path that would actually meet my non-trauma influenced interests and skills. On top of this, I got a paid internship from this class which will be a massive piece on my resume and CV. I'm so glad I realized this because I am too mentally ill to help other mentally ill people.

Thank you for listening, I appreciate it. There's so much more I could say, but like I've learned.. This is probably good enough.