I've been feeling really off lately.

Had a lot of anxious moments when there was nothing to be anxious about. Have been having trouble enjoying my vacation I've so rightfully earned. Depressive bouts have been poking from the edges.

Lately I've been thinking about my family when I was younger. I've been wanting to cook more, wanting to try new things. I pulled out an old blanket and have been curled up in that a lot lately, too.

It didn't hit me until tonight that what I'm feeling isn't because of my period or the foreboding worry of going back to work or the concern that Christmas is around the corner and I need to figure out gifts.

It's because in November lost my grandmother to cancer.

She was my #1 person growing up. The past few years haven't been this rough. Last year I was lamenting missing my family because I moved, but, maybe it's because I didn't recognize it that it wasn't so bad.

I miss her.

I had a pleasant dream about what we used to do together last night and I think that's why it's hitting me so hard right now.

I feel bad to be this sad because it's been so long since she's passed. I know it's effecting some of the expectations my boyfriend had for this vacation. I just don't know how to say that I'm grieving, even though I should be over it by now.

I don't like that it's clockwork.