I'm practically surrounded by people and yet it feels so isolating.

It feels like I've become everyone's burden. I can't stand it, I want to be able to do something. I can't work because of my stupid arm.

I haven't gotten a diagnosis yet so I only have a hopeful maybe it's this. But of course with my luck it's both disproportionately painful compared to the original injury and hard to treat.

I broke 2.6 years without self harming.

Because I feel like everyone around me could just decide to leave me behind.

And I wouldn't blame them either!

I can hardly contribute anything. Hell my boyfriend has to give me an allowance just so I don't lose everything. I feel like I'm treating him like a bank and I hate that. I can only hope he doesn't feel that way. But I still wouldn't blame him if he felt used.

I love him, not for anything like him giving me money. I fell in love with a man who was gentle, who was my peace and we may not have shown in the same way but he showed his love in such small ways.

And I'm terrified he'll leave. Even as we talk about him buying a house that we'll both (at least in theory) live in.

The only thing I can even offer to a home right now is being a house spouse. But even if I was raised like a homemaker how I contribute nothing else?

I keep thinking how much better things might be if I weren't everyone's burden. If I just disappeared I wouldn't be in the way, I wouldn't be a roadblock for anyone anymore. I can't help thinking maybe it would be better.

But fuck I don't even know myself anymore I swear. One day I'm a mess and barely able to function the next I'm just happy to finally see someone outside my bubble.

But then I wonder if they'd care if I died, or if I told them how I tore up my arm because it's nothing but a painful attachment.

I doubt it...