So someone has already posted a thread on body image issues in the NY gay community and I wrote a long response detailing my experience but thought I should expand on it further.

Dumb question: does a 23-year-old asian twink have the right to also feel insecure in the NYC gay community?

I’m asking because I am always told, " Oh, you will not have a problem - the NYC daddies will love you.” And I’m here like…interesting…because I’m struggling to connect with them or get their attention. And I’m also struggling to make gay friends in NY in general.

My Experience so far Making Gay Friends in NY:

I also want to EMPHASIZED that I don't want to make gay friend for the sake of making gay friends. But my straight best friend said something interesting right before I graduated college: “I love you always. And I will always support you. But some of the issues and topics you bring up, I can’t relate even tho I try to. I can hold your hand and maybe help walk this journey with you but only if you know the direction because me being straight I wouldn’t know where to even start. Like any time you talk about Prep and things like that, I try my best to understand although I don’t since we don’t really talk about in the hetero world. Maybe making gay friends and joining gay friend groups, they can help you with things like that.” At first I thought she was just dismissing me and kind of got upset, because I felt she no longer wanted to hear about my “gay” problems or was getting tired of hearing about them. But after a lengthy conversation with my therapist, I realized she was right. And she is a really a best friend (oh Jesus I’m getting emotional writing about this).

So I graduated in December 2022. I started my corporate drone journey in 2023. But I am proud of some of the progress I made since then. I made some gay friends, some at circuit parties, some at gay festivals like Folsom, and in some at certain parties…if you know what I mean lol! But it’s still fucking hard. Sad Part - most of them don’t even live in NY. But the one gay friend that do live in NY, have also express similar issues. We are cool, but not that close yet. But hopefully we can be closer (in a non-sexual way). And I hope I can make more gay friends in the future.

Self-image/Body Image

I never saw myself as conventionally attractive. I mean topics of attractiveness and sex never really come up in my Asian household. Idk if anyone else of Asian descent can relate. It was either you are too skinny or too fat. And being a 5’4 Asian twink…idk who will that attract. So self-confidence wasn’t really great to begin with. But my attraction always leaned towards older men - especially with dad bods with maybe some muscle, or body hair, etc. But I also found men outside of my preference attractive as well. Some friend suggested the Eagle but man is that place intimidating. Yes all the bears and daddies and Greek gods are there, but I honestly felt and still feel out of place. I went about two time, once with a friend and the other time with my dom and his subs. I never found a reason to go back again. Who knows maybe things will change. But I want to work on myself before I do!

Attempting to go to Bars and Circuit Party and…

I briefly mentioned how I felt when during the time I went to the eagle. But I didn’t get into the detail. Many people already share their experiences on going to the Eagle, so feel free to look them up. But I will tell you my experiences going to circuit parties and raves in New York and Palm Spring. So I went to MEAT back in late October 2023. Didn’t know anyone and I went sober. I felt completely out of place, more insecure than I ever did, and just left feeling like shit. My self-worth was in the toilet. My dom did warn me that there will probably be a bunch of muscle queens on drugs so you won’t have as much fun. And lord was he right.

My next circuit party adventure was White Party Palm Spring. Idk what possessed me to go. It was probably a stressful day at work and I impulsively bought tickets. Immediately afterwards, I started to have second thoughts and etc. But reselling the tickets was going to be hard and I already booked the hotel, so I ended up going. Prior to the White Party weekend, I met a friend on Reddit who was looking to buddy up, and surprisingly we clicked and got along very quickly. We buddied up which made the experience a whole lot better. And to this day we chat and call each other like as if we are close friends who knew each other for years. I will admit, buddying up with someone and doing MDMA made it a decent experience. Without our good friend Molly, I probably would have the same experience as MEAT. (PLEASE NOTE*: I’m just sharing my experience, I will never encourage drug use). I definitely fell out of place, white jocks and muscle queens were the beauty standard like it is in New York and I def experienced some confidence issue. However, during the party weekend I met some cool folks who I connected with, and we kind of form a little click of our own to keep each other company at the party although we encourage each other to go and mingle. And when we were done with dancing around and mingling we would go back to the location we initially met up at. There was some hot ass Asian hunks and twunks and I was so surprise that they didn’t receive the amount of attention that I thought they would get. They were super sweet. I asked if I can join in their circle and dance with them, and they said yes. Don’t know if they were high or they genuinely meant it but they repeatedly kept complimenting me. Some of the older daddies were dancing with us which I loved. So I can conclude that I had better luck with the daddies in Palm Springs than I did in New York. Lol!

Comparing NY with SF because why not:

Oddly, I did not have this issue when I visited SF. I went twice. During Folsom and during the end of the year. Folsom re-installed some confidence in me. So surprise that everyone was so accepting. I kept getting my ass touched (it was consensual) and it made me feel empowered-ish. I didn’t even know a single person when I first arrived and by the end of that experience I already made some friends. Thank god one of them was also from New York and we still keep in touch (same friend that I went to the Eagle with in NY - but that after we met in SF) And Jesus are the daddies there HAWT 🥵! I went to visit again end of 2023, but this time didn’t hold any expectation since I understood Folsom was a unique time in SF and everyone around the world is probably visiting - but I still didn’t struggle in meeting new people. So I don’t know what it is in NY and I don’t want to hardline conclude that NY Gay scene is toxic and generalize the community as a whole. But I can conclude the experience was drastic even when I went to SF when it wasn’t like oriented around a specific event like Folsom. Idk if other folks have the same experience when visiting SF, I’m just sharing mine. And there’s been several time where I have thought to myself that I might want to move there or the nearby Bay Area. LBut I don’t want to trust my only two good experience to define my move either. So it probably not going to happen unless I visit a few more time.

What I am doing now:

In terms of body image, I started working out last year but it was sort of inconsistent. My failure to understand how important patience is, led me down a shithole. I kept looking at myself in the mirror and being disappointed that I see no result. And I kept comparing myself to other people on the internet. So I stop for almost half a year. Recently, I went back into gyming regularly but with the purpose of this time distracting myself from the stress I was dealing with at work. I trained with the coaches at the gym. And because I was doing it for a different purpose (mental health) I didn’t really look at the mirror that much (an exercise suggested by my therapist). I’ve been doing it almost consistently since Jan 2024. I don’t notice much change, but recently my best friend (straight) was like oh girl you look more plump and more healthier. And I was like oh shit for reals? Now I would be lying to everyone here if I said I wasn’t gyming to look good. Of course I am. But I think I found the mental health aspect working out and how it now serves as a distraction to myself from my corporate job is more of my priority. I am doing for aesthetics to, just want to put that out there because I don’t want to lie and say it only for mental health. Another part of improving my body image is trying to lessen the shame of sex. Because I never viewed myself as sexy prior to 2023, I had little confidence. Slowly with Folsom and exploration with my dom, I decided I’m just going to make a Twitter page. It isn’t for the purpose to make money (although if I ever get popular I might) but it just to put it out there and help me gain some confidence. And sometime when I rewatch some of those videos, I’m like ooooh I do look kinda hot. I don’t have that many followers, only 200 and maybe half are bots. But idc, it not for really anyone but myself.

Conclusion:

Hopefully this post doesn’t come across as me attacking the New York Gay Community. It just me sharing my experience thus far from when I was 22 to now as a 23 year old. I know there are beautiful people internally and externally that are out there in NYC. But as of lately I kind of been struggling to find those people. And maybe some of you guys can relate to this experience. I guess my goal for 2024-2025 is to keep on socializing and hopefully find the right group people.