Hi all,

I wanted to just share my recent experience. (This is long, but I just had to share it with a sub that understands this lifestyle)

My relationship with non-monogamy (deliberate choice of words here), have been a roller coaster. At first, when my wife and I just started dating, she mentioned she didn’t want to commit and was interested in an open relationship. I on the other hand felt like an open relationship is a “get out of jail free” card for cheating.

2 months into our relationship, she had to work remotely for two months, and later I found out it was with a guy she was interested in. With all of that, I was a mess, filled with jealousy, fear, anger, imagining the worst, which was them having wild sex every single night.

A few weeks while she is still away, I watched a show with an episode that the character goes nuts with jealousy for his wife, and I saw myself in him, and it scared me. So I decided to sit down and imagine the worst again, but instead of let it swallow me, try to analyze my feelings. I’ve asked myself “Say they are having sex right now. Why is it so bad? Why would I be so upset? Why is it such a big deal?” I came up with three answers:

1. It’ll hurt my ego, badly. It’ll mean that he’s better than me, and he won her.

2. It’ll mean that we will break up, and have to end our relationship.

3. It means I didn’t do enough to prevent it.

First, it was interesting to see that all these answers are about how I can, could, or could have control the situation. That alone raised a red flag by telling me it’s not about her, at all.

So I decided to use logic and respond to the 3 issues I’ve raised.

1. Ego - I thought to myself, what kind of competition do I really have with anyone else? I realized that there’s none. I can only be the best version of myself, and there isn’t anything I can do to really compete with someone else. They have their best version of themselves, and our partners would have to decide which works best for them. More importantly, while I’ll be sad to see her go, I’ll also be happy for her knowing she found someone that she thinks fit her needs better. If I really love her, how can I be mad about knowing she’s even happier that she’s been with me?

2. Sadness - of course I’ll be sad to end the relationship, especially because I know how great it was to be in it. But, on the other hand, how lucky I was to have that experience to begin with. Yes it ended prematurely (in my opinion), but still it was 2 beautiful months that made a huge impact in my life.

3. Control - could I have done anything to prevent her from cheating? Unless I keep her in a cage, 24 hours, I can’t “make” her not cheat. If someone wants to cheat on you, they’ll find a way. No sweet talking, phone spying, guilting, or anything else would prevent them from doing so. I have set my boundaries and all I can do is trust that my partner would respect them.

That was an important realization for me. I am not responsible for whether or not my partner would remain faithful to me.

Once I got that, I was ready to really learn about non monogamy. Whether or not I’ll relate to it, I can’t judge it without really doing my research. So, I’ve downloaded The Ethical Slut audio book, and that just completely changed my life. After that I’ve read More Than Two, Opening Up and My Life On The Swing Set, all fantastic books! And by read I mean I DEVOURED them. I couldn’t put them down. It was like - those books were written for me.

Once I’ve learned about compersion, I realized that I’ve been feeling that towards people all the time! When my friends got the job they wanted (sometimes the same ones I was applying for), when my friend found their soulmates (even when I was feeling lonely myself), found success in their career, made a bold new decision, etc. Always, I would genuinely be happy for them, and felt thankful to them for allowing me to experience their joy through them. So with this logic, why not allowing myself to feel this way romantically as well?

When I thought about it, I realized out of all people I want to hear about how happy they are, and how much happier the became, my partner is at the top of the list! I want her to be more successful, fell more fulfilled, find more friends to connect with, take more risks that’ll pay off at the end, as well as find every opportunity to feel good, satisfied, and happy romantically. Me wanting to be the cause of it, wasn’t a strong enough reason to insist, or deny my partner the opportunity to experience this joy without me.

So, feeling like a new person, as soon as my partner came back from her tour, I proudly told her “I am ready and excited to try to have an open relationship” to which she responded “I was about to tell you that I wanted to become official and have a closed, monogamous relationship”.

Welp, that put the end to that adventure for the next 6 years :). Of course I loved her and us a lot more than I was interested in being in an open relationship, so we stayed together. Every once in a while we’d raise the topic, but it’ll get shut down immediately, because she didn’t feel like she was ready.

Fast forward to two years ago. She went to college to get her masters. It was a summer program and she was away for 2 months. After a few days she told me she met a girl and she thinks she has a crush on her. I was happy for her and told her that if she thinks that it’s mutual, and want to pursue it, she should tell her that, and that she has my full support. She was very hesitant and decided not to, but they became extremely close friends, and she would visit her, her friend stayed over at ours, etc. (still very platonic).

A few weeks, my wife mentioned me that her friend talked about her wanting to be a third in a couple. I told her “baby, I love you very much, and maybe I’m wrong, but she told you that to see whether or not you’re into her. And the way she acts around you, and you around her, it’s silly nothing happened. Also, I know that she wants mostly, if not only you, and wanted to be a bit more subtle and imply that she’s willing to be a third, in case we come as a packaged deal”

My wife asked me how I’d feel if something would happen between them, and that they have a birthday trip coming up that they were gonna go together. I told her what I told her before, that I’ll support her and be excited for her if something will happen!

Well - they went. They went for a whole week to an all inclusive resort in the Caribbeans, and let’s just say they barely left the room. This was to me the most important moment in my life, because as much as I thought about it in theory, this was the first time I’ll ever actually deal with it.

It was a whirlwind of emotions to say the least! First I was very happy for her. Not only is she experiencing this lifestyle, but with another women, something she always felt she wanted to explore but never had a chance to. It was also extremely sexy for me to know she’s with another woman, and there were some fantastic pictures being sent to me. I was also happy to hear from my wife that she actually felt closer to me after every time they had sex. It was also a much faster pace than how I imagined our relationship to open up. I thought we’d go on a date, or she will, then she’ll come home, we’ll chat about it, etc. Instead she was with her 24/7, at a place without reception so it was hard to find a good opportunity to talk.

After a few days I wanted to do a little boundaries chat. I told her that the distance could become an issue, because I was concerned that in her friend’s mind, I might become the “other man”, that is just waiting to take her away from her as soon as she’s back. I told her that even though we’ve all spent time together, now that it’s a new territory, we should all go on FaceTime together at least once a day. That connection between the three of us was extremely helpful. It was helpful for me to connect with her friend, and also exchange notes on how good of a kisser my wife is :). It was also helpful for her to see that I’m supporting this, and behind this, so she won’t paint a picture of me sitting at home being jealous of her, or developing negative feelings towards her.

My wife told me that she is not ready for me to see other people, and told me she felt guilty because in a way she has it all: a monogamous husband, a friend with benefits (whom I feel like soon would go up the ladder to a girlfriend), and it doesn’t feel equal, or fair.

I told her, that while she gets to have all the “fun”, it’s important to call this what it is. This isn’t her experiencing a new person, or a new dimension in her life while I’m waiting in an intersection with my penis out waiting for a green light from my wife to go hunting. The way I see it - we are experiencing it TOGETHER. We, as a couple, opened a new and exciting branch in our relationship, where we find a new way for my wife to feel joy.

I’m so excited to see where this will go, and what value this step will add to our relationship!

Thank you everyone for reading!