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When my partner and I first explored the stag/vixen dynamic, it felt like we were opening a door into a thrilling and mutual adventure. I was supportive, invested in her happiness, and willing to lean into the lifestyle we both agreed upon. But over time, the dynamic began to shift—not with open discussions or shared consent, but with subtle and unilateral changes.
She started engaging in connections that pushed beyond what we had agreed on, continuing relationships despite my voiced discomfort. I felt sidelined in what was supposed to be a collaborative journey. Despite my reservations, I tried to adapt, thinking I was doing the right thing by prioritizing her freedom and desires.
Eventually, I realized I was compromising too much of myself. If she was going to prioritize her own relationships without considering my feelings or including me in updates, it felt unfair to continue existing in a lopsided arrangement. I decided to start exploring relationships of my own—not out of revenge, but to create equality within our newly polyamorous dynamic. If we were going to live this lifestyle, both of us deserved to experience the same opportunities and freedoms.
What I didn’t expect was how much this would unravel her sense of security. The partner who once confidently pursued others without including me in her process was suddenly deeply unsettled by my connections. She started needing constant reassurance, frequently seeking updates about who I was with and how I felt about her. Ironically, this was the very openness and consideration I had once asked of her and been denied.
It’s created a difficult dynamic. On one hand, I understand her need for reassurance—it’s natural to feel insecure when boundaries and expectations shift. But on the other hand, it feels frustrating to constantly soothe her anxieties when she’s chosen not to extend me the same courtesies in her relationships. I’ve found myself walking a fine line between supporting her emotional needs and maintaining my own autonomy in this evolving lifestyle.
This shift has forced me to reexamine what polyamory and mutual respect mean to us. Relationships thrive on communication and balance, but when one person feels like their needs are secondary, resentment can creep in. It’s an ongoing journey, and while I’m committed to working through it, I’ve learned a vital lesson: boundaries need to be clear and respected by both partners from the start. Without that foundation, it’s easy for things to spiral into a mess of unequal expectations and emotional strain.
For anyone navigating a similar shift, my advice is this: don’t lose sight of your own needs in an effort to accommodate someone else’s. Polyamory, like any relationship model, requires reciprocity and accountability. Without it, someone is bound to feel like they’re giving too much while getting too little in return.
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