Im sure I am not the only one here to post about how to go about differences when one partner wants to be poly and the other wants to close the relationship. For starters, this conversation has not happened for me yet and I have not initiated this conversation with my partner. Im incredibly anxious to do so, and its taken me about seven months to even admit to myself that what - I - want in this relationship has changed.

To sum it up, my partner and I are going on two years and we have been poly from the start. We were also long distance for a year, and during this time I completely felt fine. I almost had a second partner, I felt fine and satisfied even if I was at times insecure. However, now that we moved in together I have been noticing my feelings shift. That also has to do with the fact I have CPTSD & extensive relationship trauma. So I already, at times, feel like I am drowning trying to have my first healthy relationship and navigating my deeply rooted trauma.

Ive finally let myself come to terms with the fact I realize I want to close our relationship. I dont see myself being monogamous forever, but I dont wNt to be open anymore. My partner has mentioned closing our relationship at times and that hes happy with me/ unsure if he ever was poly. But other times its like IF that door is closed he panics from his own trauma. Im TERRIFIED and riddled with guilt that my wants have changed. I mean we built this whole life together and talk about marriage. And its not like I havent tried. This also has come up because He has this friend he is very close with and sometimes it feels like they microdose a romantic relationship and its more than that. Even though honestly, I know he doesnt have feelings and he has told me the truth. It has also been hard to know he sometimes sexts this friend when we havent been intimate together. So we decided on the boundary “if im not being intimate with you I wont with others” but still Ive been riddled with jealousy about it for so long, but its like reassurance and self soothing doesnt help. Its not that “im not trying” or “im not realizing the root of my insecurities” i genuinely have a bodily reaction to it and get triggered and sometimes sick. its like i understand i need to ground myself, but my nervous system doesnt.

I dont know what to do. We have plans for buying a home and starting a family in the next few years. I have no idea how to even have this conversation. I dont even enjoy or want hookups and sexting like I did the first year of our relationship, I just want him. And I dont know what to do. Because if Im being honest, for my mental health I dont feel I can continue doing it. Do I lie to myself and keep pushing? Do I talk to him? Hes my best friend and Im his, and this is the one topic Im terrified of talking about.