Quick back story: 42f married to 43m, explored swinging lifestyle for about 6 yrs. Husband initiated the idea, and I agreed. In the beginning we had rules and a lot of them. Husband reassured me over and over again. I developed major insecurities and jealousy issues. I struggled with fear of abandonment. Fast forward, I over came my fear of abandonment and my jealousy/insecurities lessened over time. We had some great encounters and met some really great people. We also had our share of not so great times that caused my husband and I some pretty awful arguments.

We took a huge break from doing anything in the LS. He maintained throughout that he wasn’t going to give up the fact that he is non monogamous and he does not want me to be the only one he ever has sex with. Being a Highschool sweetheart couple and together for so long, that hurts. It hurts so bad that I am not fulfilling enough to only want to have sex with. I have been fighting with my emotions about this for 6 years. I went along with a lot of things I didn’t want to do, and I am the only one to blame for that. My husband pushed a lot, blamed and judged me for my feelings. I have been told my feelings are not valid and that im just an insanely jealous person and that it’s ugly. I have repeatedly told my husband that it’s actually not jealousy, it’s envy. I want what he gives other women. Even vanilla friends get a better version of him. I love this man so much, and it is heart breaking to hear him tell me things like “No, you need to sit with your thoughts. It’s you.” “Every time we meet a couple where I connect really well with the woman, you tear it down” “you drain the joy and fun out of everything”. Those are just a few examples.

During our so called break, my husband still often brings up the LS to talk about it. He still asks if he can meet with people. He recently posted an ad looking for a female that had daddy issues and this felt like the heart had been ripped right out of my body. I felt betrayed when it was clearly stated that when we went on a break, he could still do his bi things, but finding female play partners were off the table. He agreed. So the fact that he did this was gut wrenching. He tip toed around this when I confronted him. He said “I didn’t post that”. He couldn’t say much when I showed him proof. He posted it on our profile that we would use when looking for us. He then said “ya I guess I posted that” and said sorry. I got over this.

Recently, he asked me if he could chat with a couple for a potential meet. I agreed and said sure. I get very anxious when I get asked for this. I hate how I feel when he is out with people to play with. My gut feeling is that he had already been chatting with these people and just asked me once he knew they would arrange a meet. It wasn’t even two days later when he asked if he could meet them on the weekend for a coffee or a drink. I said sure again even though I had bad feelings. The morning of I even shared with my husband that I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea. He said “well do you want me to cancel?” That made me feel bad and so I said “no just go and we can chat about it if I decide I didn’t like it” he said okay and left. I decided that I didn’t want updates through the evening. But then I started to get upset while at home, I cried for 30 minutes before I mustered courage to text him to see what was up. He said he just going to go over to their place if it was cool with me. Again, I felt pressure to just say yes because ehe was nearly to their place. He asked me if I was okay. I replied “I’m trying” and he said “okay be home in a bit”. I struggled all night. I developed a resentment towards him even though I agreed to him going. I didn’t want cuddles or to chat about it. In fact I still haven’t talked to him about it because I am scared to. Sad to say that I don’t get turned on when he goes out and ha sex with other women. It pulls me away actually. He doesn’t understand and thinks I’m just being my old self with old patterns in jealousy and insecurities. This makes me hurt do bad because my brain is not wired the same as his. Just because he doesn’t have a problem with things doesn’t mean I won’t.

I literally think that I won’t be able to come to terms with him having sex with other women is a turn on. It’s a turn off for me. I am scared he will leave me for this as he once told me in an argument that if we ever stopped the LS, he would cheat because he wants sex with other people.

Thanks for reading. I’m sorry for the mosh mash of text here.

Am I being selfish and irrational?