Hi everyone, alittle history Me (F27) and my partner (M29) have been together for what we consider 10 years. We started dating when we were in highschool. When I was in college we separated for a few years bc partner cheated on me several times.

During the separation he found himself in a new long term relationship while I kept going in and out of toxic relationships where partners were mentally abusive and cheated. He eventually moved 16 hours away. We never ceased contact, and still hooked up once in a while. 3 years ago he ended the his long term relationship and came back to our state bc he quote “was tired of lying to himself about loving me” and I never stopped loving him.

He is the most sweet and genuine person I have ever met. He is loving and patient. He has so many qualities that I would love to gain. Although we had our issues we both went to therapy and felt like we both have grown as individuals. While we were rekindling he told me he discovered he was polyamorous and asked if I was okay with that. I was completely transparent with him and communicated that it might be hard but I can see myself becoming okay with it, that it might be hard due to our past.

We both agreed we wanted to try this out bc we both do not want to be away from eachother any longer. We both only want to marry one another and only see us having children with one another. We consider eachother soulmates. The issue i am having issues with is him being intimate with someone else. He wants to start opening up to dating other people and intimacy is important to both of us. I’m struggling with the thoughts of him being intimate and doing sexual acts with someone else and it makes me feel that it is taking away from our relationship. Honestly it makes it hard for me to be intimate with him. We have made tons of compromises for eachother on how we would navigate a mono-poly relationship and he has reassured me that all my negative/intrusive thoughts are not going to happen but yet I can’t believe him. We both have been transparent with me another and I have communicated every feeling I have through this process and he even agreed that him cheating in the past could play a part in this issue.

We had a miscarriage 4 months ago and I have asked him to wait so we can mend and heal as individuals and as a family and he agreed but still voices how he wants to have a relationship with another person but I am struggling with feeling jealousy, enough, special, and more importantly it feels like it did when he cheated on me several 6 years ago.

We both are in therapy to help with this issues but I am still struggling to navigate this feelings. Some days I feel like I’m ready for him to explore another relationship and some days I’m filled with panic from thinking about it.

Any advice would help. We do not want to separate, we have made that perfectly clear with one another but we want to fix this issue. Neither of us have practiced polyamory before this.