for the past year I was keeping in touch with this woman, G, who I’d dated the summer before I moved away. we agreed to break up at the end of that summer because neither of us wanted long distance and we parted ways amicably and still kept in touch here and there after I moved. when i visited another city she met up with me and we had a wonderful 5 days together. at this point my feelings for her were still so strong and even growing. then i recently visited her in her city, and at the end of those 10 days she told me she surprised me and said she actually did want a long distance relationship with me, to which i agreed and was so happy to hear.

the tricky part is she said she “had a slight preference for the relationship being open, but if i wanted monogamy we could totally be monogamous.” i wanted to honor her curiosity/wondering about open relationships, and it only seems fair to me to be open because we will be long distance for at least 3 years if the relationship lasts. so i agreed to be open even though i prefer monogamy. it just wouldn’t have felt right to me to agree on monogamy knowing that she has this preference AND being long distant from each other.

(to clarify: for us “open” means sexually open but we would both “be each other’s #1.” i have reservations about this already because i personally find it hard to separate sex and romantic feelings; i have also been in a polyamorous dynamic before that was toxic/i was also assaulted in the previous poly relationship. my girlfriend on the other hand has never been in an open relationship.)

i am struggling. i have this huge fear of getting my hopes for this relationship, even though we both frequently talk about how we want to end up together, she’s even mentioned the possibility of marriage and kids one day. she is the most wonderful person in the world and i am afraid i don’t measure up in many ways and one day she will see through the illusion i’ve created. when we hadn’t defined the relationship but were still keeping in touch organically, it felt easier to live with the ebbs and flows of life, keep my jealousy in check, etc. i do get jealous and it’s one of the things i hate about myself. now that we are Girlfriends but also open and long distant it is just a lot to hold sometimes. i sometimes just want to shut down. i am also starting graduate school soon so im hoping once im busier it will get easier, but also worried i am just “too much” or simply lying to myself that im capable of being in this relationship without often feeling all of these negative emotions.

thank you in advance for any support/advice. would love to hear if anyone else here has been able to significantly move past similar insecure fears to the point where you actually did solve them, and don’t/rarely deal with them anymore?