42M, married 20 years, 3 kids (10, 13, 14).

Wife has a progressively worsening neurological chronic pain disorder. No root cause known, no cure in sight (or even effective treatment). She's disabled, for all intents and purposes, but with no physically measurable symptoms to blame her misery on.

I understand now that I am and always have been a polyamorous person, open to multiple intimate and romantic connections, but of course that wasn't always the case. The first time I flirted with two girls at the same time, in 11th grade, I got a harsh enough response to subdue that impulse for years after. There was no one to model any alternative to monogamy when I was growing up. Or throughout my 20s, for that matter. So when I was introduced to the concepts of polyam and ENM at the tender age of 35, it was like discovering the sky exists after living underground my whole life.

For my wife, it was more like finding herself trapped in a collapsing building.

Mistakes were made, repairs attempted, great efforts made, and abandoned, to find a way to make NM work with the E intact. But I feel like I'm back at Square 1, just like 7 years ago.

My wife's health continues a maddening, slow decline into constant physical pain and absolute dependency on me. My physical and emotional needs remain secondary to hers, because she is permanently seated at the front of the triage line. And my single hourly income doesn't leave enough breathing room in our family budget to seriously consider the kind of therapy and counseling that she and I both need, individually and as a couple, to change the status quo.

I can't push ultimatums. I can't accept her martyring herself over my dissatisfaction. I definitely can't leave; she has no ability to generate income, and I have no clue who my kids would end up with, or where.

It's a no-win scenario. My Kobayashi Maru. All I can do is try to choose the path of least harm. And it turns out that path mostly just harms me.