So my (32M) wife (30F) have been together for 4 years, married for 1, with ENM entering our lives about 6 months ago. Weāve had the usual ups and downs of starting non-monogamy but have been doing the work, reading, communicating a lot and going to therapy. Neither of us are interested in returning to monogamy anytime soon.
My wife is a total submissive and I dominant. When we met I quickly became her dom and we pursued degradation and/or humiliation as thatās my primary kink and hers.
However since moving in/getting married and having a real normal life a lot of our D/s relationship got reduced and while we had plenty of toys, whips, handcuffs, we have not used them frequently. The desire has been there but I guess you could say the BDSM flame that we had initially has faded somewhat due to complacency (on my end and hers), and just the fact we pay bills, do chores, and have normal boring life stuff together. We are still very much in love and having amazing sex without significant BDSM flavor to it.
Now to her new dom the sadist. Theyāve met 3 times now, and he has a very strong, sadistic edge to his dominance. From what I hear he ks quite good at it. My wife is all over this, and wants him to push her limits. The last time she came home she said they performed heavy CNC and impact play and she had with bruises and marks all over her legs, ass, and sides. She said she entered a deep subspace and it was one of the most intense experiences sheās ever had.
Now, Iām not here trying to yuck her yum, Sadism isnāt a strong kink of mine but I enjoy it at times, and this isnāt about shaming her. I think BDSM is an amazing time.
But I canāt help but feel protective, emasculated, jealous, and worried that she wonāt be able to be safe with this person, despite her reassurances that he is in fact a āgood guyā. I also canāt stop picturing my wife bound and gagged being whipped by another man. I know firsthand how deeply passionate a D/s bond can be, so knowing how after 3 dates heās giving her an experience she has hardly ever felt before, Iām worried for the future.
The last 2 days since she met up with him she has been experiencing sub drop (something I know is totally normal for subs and is out of her control) so I have been providing TLC and empathy, but for a sexual experience I had nothing to do with.
Now sheās asked me if they can engage in āspontaneousā sex, meaning he can call her up and have her come over anytime he wants. She noted that she would be able to say no to him if we had plans already but is it fair that I donāt like the idea that he can rip her out of our house for a brutal CNC scene at a moments notice? It just all feels like too much too fast, but she is completely on board his sadist train and wants me to be ok with it.
Iām not entirely sure what Iām asking for from you all, support? Advice for resolving jealousy while supporting her needs and desires? Guidance for how to navigate this? Probably all of the above. If any of you have experience feeling something similar id love to hear it.
I will admit that this concern is rooted in jealousy and fears that I will no longer be her primary dom. Which is justā¦such a huge shift and a confusing feeling. Yes loss of control is part of that, for years I had been the She told me she mentioned the cnc and everything because she wants us to explore thatā¦and of course Iām interested. Thatās been something weāve talked about doing for months/years. So while it sucks that it happened immediately with someone else, I appreciate that she is attempting to connect in that way with me. I have another partner that Iāve met recently who is interested in my flavor of dominance so I do think Iāll be able to flex myself with her soon which might help me out with this.
I donāt want to be just her aftercare husband. I provide her aftercare and gentleness when I put her through something intense. Of course I enjoy loving on her but it does not excite me or meet my needs. Why should I have to sacrifice my needs so this other dom can have his met and do none of the follow up work?
Yeah. I was shocked hearing about how fast they went. She is excited and on a sub frenzy and basically gave him whatever he wanted. If this continues I honestly donāt know how to manage the after care since we live together. Like I donāt want to send her over there to be cared for either, but she is hardly able to manage it for herself, and since I love and care for her I am geared toward making her feel loved. And of course he has no responsibility of this.
She stayed for a little while, she said he was nice and provided aftercare. Then he had to leave to take care of something and she came home. I think this scene was so intense that she needed more than an hour of AC from him. This is 3 days later and just now feeling like sheās recovering.
From what I can tell he is not interested or doesnāt have time to do that with her. And she is anxious enough to not want to ask it of him for fear of driving him away (my assumption based on my years of knowing her and similar instances).
I don't blame you for having feelings! It must be disorienting for you folks to have had that BDSM underpinning, only for life to normalize and your wife to go establish that bond with someone else really quickly and really intensely. I wouldn't feel bad for being jealous, as you're in a situation that, frankly, would be highly likely to cause those feelings in many relationships.
A couple things that jumped out me from your post: first, it's kinda shitty for your wife to go out and have those intensely draining experiences, and then expect you to provide aftercare as a post-hoc bystander. That's usually the job of the Dom, and it's patently unfair for someone in your position. It's like the BDSM equivalent of being the boring spouse at home while the partner goes out and has their fun with other people, and I'd make it clear to your wife that isn't fair to you. If she's going to utilize her Dom for the session, she needs to utilize them for aftercare; if they're not willing to do that, it should be a gigantic red flag for your wife.
I also think her request to engage in spontaneous sex is somewhere you folks might compromise. I'd observe that as a baseline, many NM couples expect freedom to go do things like have sex with other folks outside of dedicated date time; that being said, it's not just sex, is it? It sounds like she's in pretty serious sub drop mode after seeing this person, and that can affect your own relationship for days after the fact. In a world where the consequences of her engaging in BDSM activities inevitably has a long-term effect on your sexual dynamic, it's not unreasonable for you to expect some kind of buffer or notice before she engages in them. Otherwise, your sex life is effectively being held hostage, and that's no way to live. Alternately, you folks may agree that she can go spontaneous, but only in a way that doesn't have her coming home in full sub-drop mode, all beaten and bruised.
I hope you folks can figure this out.
Iām fairly certain I would not be comfortable watching thatā¦
He is more experienced and much more intense, from what I can tell. They have a purely sexual connection. I occasionally leave beard trimmings in the sink and other things normal people do that are not sexy.
She has mentioned she would and wants to do some of the things she has done with him with me as well.
I have no idea. Iām not there with her when heās providing aftercare. This is the first very intense sessions with him and she had to leave very quickly after the session.
He was very appreciative. She says I took away her agency and put her issues on blast instead of talking to her. Which I get but I was at a loss for getting through to her so I took the nuclear option. So far it doesnāt seem like heās shutting it all down
Long story short she thought it was a fucking terrible move for me to talk to him and tell him I thought she wasnāt able to handle what heās been doing to her without providing aftercare
Yeah, we had a good talk. I will be meeting him soon. I donāt even mind that they hang out more, but the status quo is not working for me and something needed to change. Itās all very complex.
Thanks. We communicated a lot on this tonight. Itās not going great. Weāll see what happens.
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Thank you for the thoughtful reply. Iāll definitely talk to her about how to process her sub drop, to me right now it feels like he fucks her, beats her, then talks to her a little bit and gives her water and then out the door she goes back to her husband to deal with everything else. Obviously that doesnāt sit right with me, even if she consents to everything thatās happened.
I already have been coming up with new scenes for us to play with, so agreed there. It sucks feeling like I havenāt been an exciting enough Dom for her until I have to react to him but thatās on me for not prioritizing it well before now.
What rights do feel I have as a primary partner to set boundaries for what she does with her body thatās leaving long term bruises, teeth bites, knife marks, sub drop ect?