35F married here. I have a new-ish partner: we met IRL 5 mos ago, immediately clicked, met for follow up dates and found conversations endless and chemistry strong and natural. We have tons in common, it’s easy when we’re together, we have great sex, friendship, it’s comfy, it’s cozy. He’s affectionate, appreciative, affirming, respectful, present, thoughtful, considerate.

He’s a single/solo dude who is inexperienced with poly. He’s a busy executive chef at a newly opened restaurant. He doesn’t prioritize romantic relationships, but instead his career, friendships and alone time take up most of his trace amounts of free time.

Problem is? He’s non communicative in between hangs and on text. And I have to initiate everything. A while ago I’d given him some feedback that I preferred these things feel more reciprocal in this regard, and he explained that he wasn’t reaching out because he was “being respectful of my marriage”. I ensured him that he should let me handle my own partnership and reach out just as he would any other friend or person he was dating. Yet comms didn’t really improve to follow.

But then we did have a week of really good hangs about a month ago: a two-day hang sesh full of dates, sex, cuddles. During which he said “you’re so good to me, am I good to you?” And I gave him both positive feedback but also the “you could initiate more” talk again. That I don’t expect daily comms, but an occasional “hope you’re well” text would go a long way. He assured me he would. Then the following weekend, we hang, and he professes his love to me: “I love you, I really mean it, I love you, you’re my baby, I’m going to be so good to you”.

And then, in the weeks to follow? CRICKETS. Finally I got frustrated and got sassy with him for the first time in knowing him, and he just basically said that he didn’t understand my frustration and made a lot of excuses (work related) for the lack of comms. “I want to love you” “I’m always going to want to be good to you, I’m sorry if I haven’t” he says. — So again, feedback given, feedback solicited, improvements unseen.

It’s now been 4 weeks since I’ve seen him, and we’ve chatted less than ever before. [For reference we average about 2x/month, sometimes up to 6 weeks in between hangs but other times 3x a week] Yesterday he reached out for the first time in a week, and we were texting, and the second I asked about free time he trailed off and never responded. I sent a ? follow up this morning and the replies were short in turn, with zero effort to make plans to see me in future. This makes me feel bad. He’s outreach is sporadic and it feels like he’s bread crumbing me: last weekend it was “thanks for continuing to be good to me, I don’t take it for granted”. It’s like he gives me just enough to not just cut him out, but not enough to satisfy me.

At one point he told me he was hesitant to grow close to me because he was “scared of how much he liked me and afraid of being hurt”. To what, then draw me in closer, to ultimately end up hurting me in turn?

I feel like I was handling the sporadic and casual nature of our thing before just fine, but then he escalated things and love bombed me, to then in turn make zero improvements. I’d say it feels like some chess game, but my gut tells me he’s not capable of that: he’s one of the most sweet and sensitive men I’ve ever met. I truly just think he execution sucks, he’s busy, and he’s ADD as fuck (no shade on the ADD, so am I, mine just manifests differently).

Anyways. I don’t know what to do. I don’t vibe hard with many people, so when I do, it’s hard for me to cut ties. I really like him. But I’m tired of feeling like this is a 1-sided, only on his terms relationship, that’s good when it’s good, but leaves me feeling bad and sad in between.

Can anyone relate? Anyone able to provide perspective from his vantage point that may suggest I continue to give him patience and grace? Or, are we getting into red flag territory here? Any insights, thoughts, advice would be greatly appreciated.