My partner (28F) and I (26F) recently (1.5 months ago) opened our 4-year relationship, and we’ve been struggling a bit. We came to realize that our orientations toward things are very different. I’m more interested in sexual, NSA relationships with other people, and she is more interested in romantic connections. We have known about this discrepancy going in, but I intellectually agree with pursuing more of a hierarchical poly situation, so I have been basically trying to get on board. As you could likely guess, that hasn’t been working very well.

I’m experiencing huge roller coasters of emotions from “this is never going to work” to “this is the best thing ever”. I know this is due to my attachment style (anxiously attached), and we realized we need to go slower so that I can heal my attachment wounds and gather datapoints that we are still safe.

But, that doesn’t change the fact that she already entered into a pretty intense relationship with someone else. We both know she needs to slow it down and dial it back, but she’s feeling sadness (although is still willing) about giving up some of the cadence/intense NRE with this other partner.

I am wondering what I can do. I don’t want her to feel sad or constrained for dialing it back, but at the same time, I don’t trust myself to feel authentic compursion for her going back into her other relationship full speed ahead.

She is everything to me and our connection with each other is so joyful and safe and inspiring and warm. We are both very invested in making this work with one another. How can we come back from this and build trust?