Update topast post (EDIT: now you can go look at the post!). This is a LONG and WEIRD one, buckle in.

Guys.

GUYYYYYYSSSSSSS.

That went so much better than expected!

S/O and I were going to a weekend event together and the expectation was to split off and rejoin as we wanted to all weekend, and I’d hang out with FWB one-on-one Saturday afternoon/evening. This was all pre-discussed between S/O and myself only because it’s a unique situation, and we set and renegotiated our agreements as needed (as we often do!). Unexpectedly, we ended up going to the exact same lunch spot as my FWB shortly before we were SUPPOSED to meet up as a trio elsewhere. And like, I try to keep my relationships somewhat separate but they get along well enough that they can have a nice chat without getting cold or angry. FWB is also cool with getting zero non-platonic PDA while I give my S/O small amounts (like pecks on the cheek or throwing an arm around his shoulder, nothing egregious).

So we all hang out in different permutations at event for a few hours (myself and FWB, myself and S/O, all three, all solo), until it’s time for FWB and myself to depart. We have some severe logistical problems coordinating with my S/O caused by like one or two fatal errors (I forgot my phone charger, phone DIED, FWB has no charger compatible with my phone, we have to run all over town late at night to find a store that has one). I crack a joke that FWB is bad luck and that something always goes horribly wrong when we go out lately (in our control or otherwise). But nonetheless, we eventually work everything out.

We get dinner. We go back to his place. We watch a movie I figured he’d enjoy (yes, he did). We chat the whole time about basically everything (the F in FWB doesn’t stand for “Fucking hate each other”). And I won’t use the phrase “we picked up right where we left off”, but it’s really special to talk to someone again like old times with few more years’ worth of emotional intelligence under our belts.

And then as the night winds down, I psych myself up and bring up The Big “What Are We.” A thing I’d been really, REALLY dreading! Thankfully, basically all of my assumptions were confirmed (FWB is very mono and casually searching for mono partnership, marriage and kids and stuff. BUT he will not remain in a relationship with a partner who is not comfortable with our own friendship without benefits, because it would really suck to lose such a close friendship to something like that). And I got to say my spiel about that being TOTALLY valid and how I was being super coy with the flirting until I confirmed we were making actual concrete plans (cmon, nobody makes plans to watch a movie at someone’s place at basically midnight and then just go home after), because I didn’t want to get softdumped (gently or otherwise) since I’d feel like a freak even if that isn’t rational thinking. FWB let me know that he fully intended on updating me on this as soon as it changed. Genuinely, actually reassuring stuff.

So I got everything I needed. Deep down, did/do I want to proselytize and convert him to nonmon? Fuck yeah, of course, I’m horribly selfish like that. But people want what they want, being a good friend means accepting that, and having a great friendship far outweighs any sexual dynamic. The most I can really do without being a jackass is invite him to hang out with my other nonmon friends, and to model healthy relationships myself. And shit, those are nice things to do regardless.

There’s more obviously. He actually…. APOLOGIZED… for being “bad luck” in prior encounters. He expressed regret that he reacted in a conflict-avoidant way to prior events that had put me (anxious attachment central station over here, especially in the past) into a little bit of emotional turmoil. That was really mature and really transparent. Of course I can forgive that, it’s been years.

And then, well… a lady doesn’t kiss and tell ;) (but the “B” in FWB is not exactly a dental plan and a 401k). However, the temp check convo was VERY helpful. I don’t know how to describe it, but I guess having that chat about the limitations of our dynamic made us more confident in pushing to those limits without passing them. The affection was mutual, and ABUNDANT, which made our chemistry even better. Constant compliments and praise, lots of passion, the works. The VULNERABILITY that I had craved for years in this dynamic was finally there in full force. Swoooooooon.

I SHOULD put up walls. I SHOULD deescalate emotionally, at least a little bit. I AM still fully infatuated. This relationship is a ticking bomb under the tablecloth. I have no clue when it’s going to go off, change the dynamic, and force me to deal with potentially one of the most difficult breakups I’ll have to endure. And yet… it’s so incredibly nice to have this again.

I made a point of leaving the phone charger I bought at his place. I’ll be back someday.

UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!