My wife and I (we’re both women) are in the processes of opening up for casual fwb. We’re in the process of defining what that arrangement looks like for us exactly but we’ve come to a painful and difficult spot. I identify as pan/queer and have the capacity to form sexual and emotional bonds with any gender. That being said, I feel most comfortable with women and non-binary people and have never fully felt comfortable with cis-men.

When approaching the subject of me having a fwb situation with a man my wife immediately said no and that she wasn’t budging because that’s a boundary for her. When I asked her why she said she doesn’t feel safe with men, she doesn’t know if they will hurt me or her if they get jealous, and she doesn’t like that I could become pregnant. When I told her I would take the necessary steps to ensure both her and my safety, and that I would also be on birth control, use condoms, and get tested regularly, she still wouldn’t budge.

She said that I’ve put it in her head that I don’t feel comfortable around men, I don’t like talking to men, I don’t care for men, and this is true. As a whole I don’t care for men but I am still queer and I have the capacity to feel sexual desire for men. With everything I’ve said about men in the past, she feels like if I found a man I felt comfortable with in a fwb situation, that would mean my bond with him was special/intimate and that would ruin her. I tried to explain to her that we (me and her) have boundaries and that I wouldn’t do anything that would jeopardize her and I’s relationship but she still won’t budge.

TLDR:I’m a pan woman in a wlw marriage and my wife is setting a hard boundary that if we open up, I am not allowed to pursue fwb with men, is this a fair boundary to set?