Hello! I'm (M 30 Bi) in a 2-year long relationship with a partner (F 34 Demi) who I adore very much, and we are in a relationship she would describe as non-monogam-ish. I consider myself a very open person, and in the past have encourage my friends in their emotional and sexual expression with eachother and myself. My partner on the other hand doesn't have interest in having other sexual partners.

I haven't had much experience in the past with long-term relationships, with only about 4 or 5 relationships with women, the longest of which lasted six months, and 2 long-distance relationships with men ( I grew up in a very religious household, I had to keep my bisexuality hidden). My main goal in seeking a partner has always been to find someone who's goals and interests in mine were aligned and we could support eachother in achieving them, and could depend on eachother whenever we got sick or ran into trouble.

My partner has very ambitious goals and I really admire how hard she works for them. I think she is incredibly talented, beautiful, and I'm very much in love with her, and more than anything else I want to help her business succeed so she can finally have the freedom to relax and enjoy life. We however struggle a lot with the non-monogamy part of our relationship.

Our boundaries are specifically that she only allows me to have male-bodied partners who identify as male or non-binary, and that I cannot show any form of affectionate expression with them (I.e. no kissing, cuddling, massaging, "scritching", petting, leaving bite marks, etc.) These are pretty serious boundaries for her as I found out pretty early on as a friend during a movie night had put his hand on my leg and was petting it, and she really didn't like that at all.

Over time, this has left me feeling more distant and anxious around my friends, constantly worried that any action could be considered as affection, and I think a lot of them have noticed that. I've been getting fewer invites to group hangouts, I've been having waaaay less sex, which in general has just left me feeling way less desirable. My partner generally is also very exhausted from working essentially two jobs so it's rare that we even have sex ourselves, (maybe once or twice per month) and the onus is always on me to initiate. It's been a steady decline in sexual expression whereas originally I thought it would increase as our relationship becomes more solidified.

I can empathize with her; she has been through some terrible relationships with really awful people, and I really want to give her the attention she wants and deserves. Sex to her always was an obligation according to her; something she had to do in order to prevent someone from leaving her, and it was never enough for her previous partners. She says that the fact I have other partners makes her feel that she is unnecessary and not special, which in addition to the exhaustion drastically lowers her libido. Her maim reason for having the boundaries in the first place is that she wants to feel special; she wants me to be doing things for her that I don't do for anyone else.

To me though, she is special, in so many ways. I do things for her that I don't for just any friend, they just don't happen to be sexual. Like I said before I really want her to succeed in her goals, so I've helped out financially to pay off her debts, transported her and her goods to a variety of events, shuttled merchandise for her to and from venues, and always try to find events that she will enjoy to take a break from all that chaos; like spa days, concerts, and little cheesy romantic gestures and gifts. I don't mind doing any of this, in fact, I love it. I love that I'm able to do these things for her and that it makes her happy and brings her that much closer to achieving her dreams.

On the flip side though...it really feels like she is not happy that I'm sleeping with others, even though I am keeping within her boundaries. I never really understand where she is at with it because she always had said it's perfectly fine, but then with her behavior around friends that I do sleep with. She gets worried when those same friends hang out too often, even if I'm not inviting them for sex (generally just to play games or watch movies), saying that she is worried that they are falling for me. Sometimes she asks to know if when I had friends visit if I had sex with them during that visit, other times she will say she doesn't want to know about the times I had sex with them. The whole subject seems to cause her so much pain and anxiety, even though she says it's not an issue for her.

My read on it is that she would definitely prefer us to be monogamous. However for me, a lot of the friendships, relationships, and friend groups I've cultivated around me are largely based around non-monagamy and freedom of sexual expression. It's been a large part of my identity and how I can carry myself with positivity and confidence. Ultimately though, It's making it really hard to reconcile that identity with also my want to make my partner have a happy and fulfilling life.

I've been reading up on non-violent communication, and I think I've just become as Marshall Rosenberg would say "a nice dead person", where I'm just quietly compromising to my partner's requests and hoping things will get better without communicating my needs. We've both watched his lecture since we both want to get better at communicating with eachother, but with the amount of times she has stated how important her boundaries are to her, (I.e saying things like "if you are massaging someone else, I will leave you), I'm very much afraid that voicing my needs to be more sexually open with my friends, and preferably irregardless of their gender or identity, would likely trigger a meltdown of the relationship, and that's not something I want. We have vacation trips planned, there are games coming out that we are both excited to play together, we are both excited to one day be able to build an arcade together, there are so many exciting things that we want to do together! I keep thinking that maybe it's not worth just being able to rub my friend's shoulders if I'd have to give up all that. At the same time though, it does feel that the confodent, outgoing, playful part of me is slowly being strangled, and I'm not sure on a whole if I can live like that.

I apologize since this is...a lot of writing, but it has helped me just contextualize the relationship and really think about the different factors involved, and I really appretiate those of you that have taken the time to read it.

As questions I'd like to pose to others here, have you been in this kind of a relationship ship before? How have things gone? Were you able to communicate and find a resolution that satisfied both people? Is there any advice that you can give me to be a better, more understanding partner while still being able to have my needs and wants met?

Thanks for making it this far, you are all beautiful~<3